On Pain-Free Circumcision

DISCLAIMER: This is yet another elaborate display of my ignorance. And you, oh wise reader, have yet another chance to educate me by posting your wisdom on that little space below titled “reply”

At the very beginning of the year I attended a relative’s funeral. As with all funerals among my kin, the event didn’t lack its fair share of speeches. I like funeral speeches. If the people that give them are genuine folk, funeral speeches tend to be unpretentious, sobering and sometimes funny. For as long as I live, I have purposed to hear more funeral speeches than wedding speeches. I need not say why.

So at this particular funeral, there was one unpretentious octogenarian – best friend to the deceased. He gave a detailed account of the dead man’s life and his unwavering friendship from their minion sized days. The story progressed to their adolescence and the old man made a point of informing the crowd that indeed his dead friend had been circumcised as a young boy. So important is this event among the Kikuyu community that it is included in the eulogy.

To emphasize the significance of this initiation, the speech giver even quoted a Kikuyu proverb I had never heard before. Loosely translated: To grow up and be a man is to be circumcised.

Now, I have a thing or two to say about this statement, but I’ll save my opinion for another post.

Of course circumcision means different things to various communities. And for communities that do not subscribe to it, well it lacks significance.

However, at the turn of the century, the World Health Organization noted that “there is compelling evidence that male circumcision reduces the risk of heterosexually acquired HIV infection in men by approximately 60%.”  Thus began a concerted campaign to scale up circumcision for HIV prevention in Eastern and Southern Africa. Perhaps that is how the Shang Ring found a ready market in Kenya irrespective of tribe or creed.

Before I go any further this is my position on the matter: If WHO says circumcision reduces the risk of contracting HIV among heterosexual males, I’m all for circumcision by whatever means and however long or short it takes.

I just have a few questions:-

1. I always thought that for circumcision to count as a rite of passage into manhood it MUST be painful. Does that still count in the 21st century?

2. Now that the act is backed by medical evidence and has been proven to achieve a greater purpose (HIV prevention) than mere initiation, cultural progression and hygiene,  shouldn’t the element of pain be done away with all together?

3. And for communities that have always valued the element of pain in the circumcision process, do they think that doing away with the masochistic aspects of it is actually “unAfrican” (kinda like how we think gay sex is unAfrican?)

4. Also, by doing away with the pain, will that further aggravate the position of the boy child who, it is claimed, is already emasculated and disenfranchised when compared to the ‘empowered’ 21st century girl child?

5. For the communities that circumcise boys at the onset of adolescence  have they begun educating these boys on the main benefit of the process in the fight against HIV or are they still lying to them that it’s all about manhood?

YouTube comments on the NTV story. SMH

6. Isn’t it time uncles, grandfathers, fathers and community elders started changing their perception of circumcision at the risk of misleading an already confused lot of young men in this country who are trying to find their place in a New World Order?

7. That said: To the men in my community who have always borne prejudices against a certain community that didn’t circumcise their boys, but who are now getting circumcised as adults in the face of HIV.., will you now see this community as people after all? Will you drop the prejudices spoken shamelessly in your vernacular? Now that they have ridden themselves of mere foreskin, are these people entitled to lead this country as much as you think you are?

Soul Spinster – 2012 in Review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 19,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 4 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

Where is Mrs. Peter Kenneth?

This is the mystery a section of Kenyans (less concerned with Andrew) are trying to solve.

Who is the woman that contributed to this pretty face?

Granted Mrs. Kenneth went conspicuously unmentioned during the launch of her husband’s presidential bid on Sunday- a momentous occasion that got Kenyans talking about all sorts of things – politics, a president and possibly, a father-in-law.

Perhaps it’s the need to find perfection in Kenneth as the country’s next leader. The presidential aspirant has a great track record and sound policies – attributes that have earned him the oxymoron title “Kenya’s Obama.”

The only problem with that title is that, according to Kenyans, an Obama-like Kenneth has got to present a Michelle-like wife, otherwise he’s not completely working the Obama attraction.

Now, I’m yet to see Kenyans vote for a leader based on his/her family values. I don’t even know what family values Kenyans subscribe to? On one side we have musicians and philanthropists coming out to proudly declare their positions as 2nd wives, on the other we have our current president consistently asserting that he has only one wife. Whatever the case may be, family values in a broad undefined sense, have never been a key factor in Kenya’s politics. Even among female voters.

Had it been the case then, we would all want to know who is partly responsible for Martha Karua’s children. But then again, no one cares whether she’s single, married or cruising past Kentmere. For Kenyans, there’s no one to compare her with. Certainly not Obama.

Kenneth’s predicament may also be as a result of our obsession with the Obama family-pictures doing rounds on Social Media. I cannot tell you how many women I have heard sigh and say “what a beautiful family.” Indeed, Obama has done a good job in presenting a picture perfect family – a factor that works for him in the United States.

Back home however, it would be unfair to impose such ideals on any of our candidates. At least not at the moment. This country has far more bigger problems and in my written opinion, it doesn’t matter if the leader that gets us out of our current mess is divorced, widowed or wed.

Does Kenya deserve a more prominent and outspoken First Lady? We probably do. Besides, the ones we have had are more assumed to exist than they are actually seen. And does that make any difference in a largely patriarchal society that expects women to know their place and stick to it (wherever that place may be – the kitchen?)

Peter Kenneth is not Barrack Obama. He is his own man. He is no less a leader whether or not Anne is by his side every time he appears in public or takes a picture for the press. We had better all focus on the issues this country needs to tackle and ask the right questions.

Move on. There’s nothing to see here.

Why Women Cannot Save the Boy Child

Yes, this post is in response to every man who watched Alabstron Network’s My Unspoken, raised the bias card and wondered for the umpteenth time what women are doing for the boy child. 

As a disclaimer, I do not speak for the show nor have I ever attended any of the Alabastron Network seminars/ conferences. I’m just glad, that women will finally realize that bitching on Classic 105 will not do much to relieve their pain, and by discovering the Alabastron Network and such initiatives, these women can finally clear the radio waves for good, old, feel-good music.

What are women doing for the boy child?

I often find this question offensive especially when posed by a man. To me, it seems to imply any/ all of these 3 things:-

1. That women are obligated to rescue the boy child from some, (unspecified) oppression he faces
2. That men are absolved from any blame and are not responsible for “saving” the boy child because, in the first place..,
3. Women are to blame for everything wrong with the boy child.

I first explored the issue in a post I published a year ago in which I reiterated that women may not be in a position to “save” the boy child because, as merely women,  we do not understand the male psyche well enough to rectify it.

Also, who is yet to define exactly what is wrong with the boy child. What is he lacking? When did he lose it? How bad does he need it to survive? Who has denied him a chance to get back what he lost?

Has anyone defined the boy child’s problem in broader terms than “Emasculation” What is emasculation? What causes it? Does the empowerment of one woman, by default, cause the instant emasculation of a grown man somewhere on this earth? If so should women be dis-empowered for the boy child to be re-masculated (I’m making up words now). How bad does the boy child want to be re-masculated, or are we imposing the concept on him?

Better still, what is the feminine equivalent of emasculation?

Is it de-feminization? Does it exist? Is that a condition the girl-child suffered before female empowerment and perhaps, feminism? What does it mean to de-feminize a girl? Does it mean to remove the female part that defines a woman so that she becomes .., a man? Is she then masculated? And if that is the case, does emasculation mean to remove that intangible element that defines a man so that he becomes…, a woman? Or.., an animal? Coz what other physical potential can human beings aspire to above the enslavement of their physical being?

Is emasculation even a reality?

Another reason women may not be able to help the boy child is because the women who you think should help him, are deeply involved in the process of self discovery. In this new age, they are busy rising from the ashes, pushing the boundaries and exploring their potential. Now for women, potential has no end especially when you consider that women enjoy the freedom to explore both their field and what was once considered male territory. Think of a woman who lived in the 1800s and thought her greatest achievement was to be someone’s wife. Fast forward and think of a woman changing her mindset to thinking – “Hhmm.., I might as well be President too, while I’m here”

Perhaps, emasculation, is all in the mind.

#MyUnspoken .. Sad but One sided .. hata mimi nililia when Mufasa in Lion King died .. twas sad .. Very sad .. i need to get over it ..—
™E.Gitonga™ (@G4Gitonga) September 25, 2012

Wilbur Smith hinted to the “End of Men” as brought about by Feminism. Somewhere in his argument he pointed to the lack of War that would otherwise produce great men and real heroes who the boy child can emulate. I found his argument in bad taste – a desperate attempt to once again blame women for everything wrong in this world. To which I pose more questions:-

Why do men lack role models? Is it that role models do not exist or that men are unwilling to look beyond their maledom and consider women as heroes worth being emulated? In any case, haven’t women gotten to a certain level of appreciation and worth by emulating men? Haven’t men even recommended their way of thinking in bestselling fashion?

Have men considered that perhaps women make worthy role models too? Is there any harm in a man emulating Mother Teresa or Wangari Maathai and dying just as happy, knowing he made a significance difference in the world. Or does the rhyme of our childhood days – anything you can do I can do better, I can do anything better than you – only apply to women?

Perhaps the main reason why women cannot help the boy child is because, (if there is a real problem in the first place) the boy child and men in general will not admit, as openly as women do, their problems. Perhaps it’s a male thing to keep silent – macho – and even blame women for the poor state of things.

LOL »» @JoeWMuchiri: Men go through so much financially…RT @QueenGathoni: Women go through so much…" #myunspoken—
Stephen Musyoka (@smusyoka) September 25, 2012

Women have been there too, blaming men for their problems. We know how that works. But we are rising above our inequities because we realized blame does not solve the problem. We also realized that to deal with the problem one must acknowledge it exists. To acknowledge it, one must be honest with oneself.

Honesty.

#MyUnspoken, a show for women to lessen their hearts' burdens; the men's show would be as good as the name of the show.#nospeaking @ntvkenya—
joshua momanyi (@jbossmo) September 26, 2012

Vince Passaro, took up the difficult task of  finding out why Why Men Lie - difficult because it involved him, a man, interviewing his male folk to find out why they lie. As expected, the responses were rife with blame directed at the female species and her need for a close to perfect man.

But Vince concludes his long piece by noting that:

“We (men) look into the darkness of our  own developing willfulness, our sexuality, our ambition and our ego. In order to succeed as men, in the terms our particular civilization has established, we have to build these things up and constantly strengthen them. This task feels (and always will feel) in some essential way like a criminal activity,  one that we should undertake largely in secret, kept from our families for fear that we will be  identified as alien and repulsive when once we’d been beloved, and, to a lesser degree, from our  friends for fear of being too sharply cut down to size in what turns out to be a highly competitive  mission.

Women wonder, often out loud, about the male ego, about its outlandish size and its callous assumptions. Well, here’s an announcement…: It’s even worse than you
think; that’s why we try to hide a lot of it from you. And here’s something else.., when you discover a man has lied to you about something, what he then “admits” to you as the truth will—at least in a few crucial respects—also be a lie. The full truth, the whole thing, almost never feels like a viable option (to men).”

How then can women help a man who seems wired to be dishonest?

Women are predisposed to speak out and even cry about the things that bother them. Few men are versed in this kind of communication. But if the boy child and men as a whole will not communicate non-violently, honselty and clearly, how will women be able to understand the issues that affect them and come to their aid?

On that note: While sympathising with these accounts on #MyUnspoken, my focus shall remain the ever ignored boy-child.—
Marcus Olang' (@marcusolang) September 25, 2012

Here’s a tip for the men who may wish to take the bold step to help the boy child.

To have their issues addressed, women in their little numbers, come together and form strong support groups, ridicule notwithstanding.

Dudes, wait till all our Exes start showing up on #MyUnspoken spilling beans like they work for National Cereals! Run!!!—
Philip Mwaniki (@Mwanikih) September 25, 2012

They bare their souls naked, define their problems and rise above their ego to accept their defects. Perhaps men need to do the same. Because as women, we may not be well versed with male issues (besides your need for food, football and copulation) Is it possible for men to leave the bars and switch off the soccer game for at least one day, gather in support groups, meetings, seminars and conferences, define their issues and openly work on them? Is it possible guys? Are the women in My Unspoken role models worth emulating?

This is a Stick Up

A long lost friendly recently asked me to MC at his wedding fundraiser.

I know, right?

I was honored to be his last resort, but I couldn’t help but roar wild with laughter. Not because I make a bad MC (trust me I’ve tried), but ya’ll know my stand as far as wedding fund-raisers and such fleecing activities are concerned.

Lately though, I’m finding myself in such awkward situations and I’m beginning to wonder whether those who know me actually take me seriously. Look, I’ve made a decision not to get married. I blog about it, and very seriously for that matter – not for fun; but so that your why’s, oh-my-she’s-bitter conclusions and you-don’t-know-what-you’re-missing nods are answered.  See, the same way you have no intention of doing drugs is the very same way I do not intend to get married. And if you don’t intend to do drugs, clearly, you don’t hangout where drugs are sold, now do you?

In spite of making my position known, I still get wedding invitations and desperate pleas to contribute to inflated wedding budgets. I’ve also been asked to be part of bridal parties, something I’ve done only twice in my entire life – only for family and because my mom would’ve killed me had I declined.

So this offer to be an MC at a wedding fundraiser..,

While I have since turned it down, I can’t help imagining what I would have done had I taken it up. How, would I have gotten the crowd to give all their beer and weave money to this couple? What quirky lines would I have come up with?

Nah, I wouldn’t. I’d be more practical about it though.

There’s the scenario I pictured where I walk into the room with some sales team from Stan Chart. They’d come equipped with flyers and PowerPoint slides ready to sell a wedding-loan to the couple, “in front of all these witnesses.”

After the StanChart presentation, I’d conduct a small referendum, where the “witnesses”, would vote on whether they should still contribute to the couples wedding or whether the couple should take the StanChart loan. Now.., you don’t have to work at Synovate to figure out the results of such a vote.

But of all the scenarios that have played out in my mind, this has so far been the best:-

“Ladies and gentlemen,

I’ve got no time for this shit

*******FIN*******

Lessons I’ve Learned From Mandela’s Love Life

Being Mandela’s birthday, the world will go crazy posting Mandela quotes on various social media sites. So much for community service and singing. I did the same thing last year. Googled Mandela quotes, Ctrl C + Ctrl V and just like that, my fellow tweeps got to know I’m with it too. But since I may not engage in any community service today, I met as well blog.

Being Mandela’ birthday, this year I chose to reflect on his love life. I have been reminded however, that given my lack of interest in marriage, I shouldn’t be learning anything in the first place. Touché.

@Nittzsah that lesson is not for you… Stop lying Girl… LOL—
sure nazareth (@iFortknox) July 18, 2012

A Brief History

Mandela has been married three times. His first marriage was to Evelyn Ntoko Mase. The couple broke up in 1957, after 13 years, divorcing under the multiple strains of his constant absences, devotion to revolutionary agitation, and the fact she was a Jehova’s Witness, a religion which requires political neutrality.

His second marriage was to Winnie Nomzamo Madikizela- Mandela. She was a social worker, 16 years younger than Mandela. Their love affair began in 1958 and lived through the most trying time of Mandela’s liberation struggle – his life sentence in Robben Island. However, in 1992 they went separate ways. It is speculated that the separation was fueled by Winnie’s political ambitions and the fact that she was co-accused in the  kidnapping of four youth and the murder of one of them – 14-year-old Stompie Seipei.

Mandela is currently married to Graca Machel, who he wed on his 80th birthday. Graca was a widow of Mozambican president Samoa Machel, who had been killed in an air crash 12 years earlier.

And that’s a brief history of Mandela’s love life.

Not exactly that fairy-tale, picture-perfect marriage ya’ll pray and make burnt-offerings for God to deliver. But that never changed the man the world loves and and who has come to be recognized as a symbol of freedom and peace. While his love life was in turmoil, his desire for the liberation of South Africans never wavered. The other way to look at it, he may have given up the fight to concentrate on his personal life and save not just one, but two marriages. Some may argue, he probably shouldn’t have married in the first place. Besides, he’s life was.., complicated? But Mandela always wanted a partner.

As Fatima Meer, a Durban professor said in 1992 during Mandela’s separation from Winnie.  ”Nelson really wanted a wife. He didn’t want a politician.”

So what lessons do I learn from Mandela’s love life?

• If you’ve always wanted to be married, you will be.
• Not all marriages are the same. They do not all have to take the same path. They also don’t come with a user manual.
• That anyone can be disappointed in marriage. No one is special. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• That you don’t have to sit there and stay in a marriage that doesn’t work
• That if one marriage doesn’t work, don’t get into an affair. You can always leave (the proper way), marry again and be happy.
• You’ve got only one life. Make the most of it.
• That there’s nothing selfish about following your purpose while you’re married. If you don’t get the support you need, find someone who’s willing to support you.
• Finally, marriage is a part of life, not ‘THE’ life. So don’t make it be the only thing you accomplish. You were created to be much more than a spouse. As Margaret Thatcher said when her husband Denis proposed marriage:-

“I love you so much but, I will never be one of those women, Dennis. Who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen -doing the washing up, for that matter. One’s life must matter, Dennis. Beyond all the cooking and the cleaning and the children. One’s life must mean more than that. I cannot die washing a teacup!”

Thank you and Happy Birthday Madiba!

Happy Father’s Day to a Spinster’s Father

DISCLAIMER: This is a mushy post. Okay, you’ve been warned :’(

I’m yet to openly declare to my family that I have no intention of getting married. One of my brothers (the closest of my siblings) is aware of my stand while the rest don’t really care. We’ve been brought up to respect each other’s space – something that works perfectly for all of my siblings. My parents are in the dark about my intentions. However, a while back my mom sensed what I was up to (coz moms are smart like that), prompting her to forge an intervention that has not borne fruit two years on.

The guy who’s acting all blasé about the matter is my dad. Dude cannot be read. He gangster like that. He doesn’t ask, so we don’t talk about it. Also, we’ve never really been that close. But that’s not to say he and I don’t talk (about the weather).., and occasionally share a beer.

But as I grow older, I can’t help but wonder if the aging man would like a son-in-law. Being the only girl in my family, I’m the only one who can make this possible. I watched him closely at my brothers’ weddings. That moment when their fiances were given away by their own fathers; what was going through my father’s mind? Thinking about it now, does he ever dream that one day he’ll give me away too?

No.., I don’t think so. What father wants to give away his daughter more so to that mukora he sees sauntering next to his homestead, trying to get his daughter’s attention? Sigh.., I don’t know. And I can’t ask.

I remember that time my father spotted me with a guy right outside his fortress. Dad was driving in, and there I was just talking with a boy, but definitely so busted. I left my alleged boyfriend’ in a huff and dashed back into the house.  I found dad in the living room with his paper. He sternly cleared his throat to halt my feet, put down the paper and said “If you want to get married, tell me in good time so I can stop saving up for your education.” Two weeks later, he found me a place in campus, in a land far far away from home.

But that was then. I’m done with my studies, at least under his bill. I’ve left his warm home to live like a renegade daughter. Now, my dad’s only way of admitting he misses me is by sending texts messages about a great job ad in the Nation. Lately though, he’s been convincing me to buy my own house. Perhaps he’s realized that his little rascal has no intention of being wifed, nor housed.

All things considered, I’m thankful that my father has not put any pressure on me to get married. That he hasn’t gone out of his way to marry me off to his best friend’s son or some rich, old geezer in adult diapers. What?! TIA (This is Africa) and ya’ll know shit like that still goes down in this country.

I’m grateful that my dad has been holding it down all along, getting his own. So far he doesn’t seem eager to see the money he spent on my education repaid to him in the form of dowry. I’m not his retirement plan nor his pension scheme – as some fathers have made of their married daughters. And it is for this simple reason that I celebrate my dad this  Father’s Day!