Before you read this post, I’d like to assume that you’ve read the disclaimer section on this blog. If you haven’t please do. When you do, and realize you’re too young to be reading this, please go back to listening to Justin Bieber. If you’re old enough but are, for some reason, offended by this post, go for confession.
Sometime back I mentioned that I wouldn’t respond to a morning glory jab. I’m not a morning person. I love my sleep. And I wouldn’t have sex if I’m not in the mood. But I doubt wives have the luxury to sleep when there’s morning wood sticking into their spine.
But let’s take this discussion a step further. And when I say further, I mean beyond page 69 of the Kamasutra.
Sex is beautiful. Consensual, adult, “I-know-what-I’m-doing-here sex, is even more beautiful. And that’s what married folks and religious peeps like to convince us. That there’s nothing more beautiful than sex in marriage.
Side note: If it’s so good, why ya’ll looking for better sex outside marriage?
I digress.
Yes. Sex in marriage is beautiful. And it’s not just because it helps manufacture little midgets, but it also fulfills each others’ human sexual desires. Marital sex is not only beautiful, it’s legal and holy and couldn’t be more right. Which is why all you women want to get married – to have legal sex. At least that’s what you told me here.
So if marital sex is legal and holy and right in all ways, then I’d like to think that pretty much anything goes. No holds barred.
Besides, both parties of the marriage should draw a sense of fulfillment and ultimate satisfaction from sexual intercourse. If there’s only one person enjoying it, then something isn’t right. For this problem, some seek satisfaction outside marriage, and few work it out amongst themselves by getting adventurous.
This idea of sexual adventure among married couples is what brings me to ask.., How far would you go?
Married couples hardly talk about their sex lives to others. In fact it is discouraged. Or so I learned in the one bridal shower I have ever attended in my life. The bride to be was warned against talking to her friends about her sex life once she was married. And I had to agree with the “marriage counselor. Such discussions would only go two ways. You’re either praising your husband’s bedroom skills, marketing his joystick to your girlfriends who will then try to get it. Or, you’re cursing his bad love making, attracting ridicule from the same girlfriends who know you’re stuck with a withered mushroom on a cactus plant.
On the other hand, and as a rule, guys don’t talk about sex with their wives. It’s just wrong. Besides, whether your wife is good or bad in bed, there’s always that one hyena who’d hit that without a care in the world.
So no one’s talking. Yet I’m always left to wonder, when married couples do get sexually adventurous, how far do they go? And how does either party respond to the adventure? More so the wives?
See guys pick good wives. I don’t know what good wives are, but I like to imagine they are home grown, church going, submissive, polite women. Not wild, hopefully virgins who’s ultimate idea of good sex is lying on their back and parting their legs. But how many men are content being served dead coakroach every night for 50 years?
A dead bug's illustration of the missionary
Some men may argue that they can get any other action they need from the likes of Sue. Coz really, men get away with anything right?
But then there are married couples who get kinky.
Sometimes, the man chooses to introduce something new. Say a porn flick, “Watch this baby, and let’s try. Ama?” , subjecting homegrown good wife to lewd images. And by the time she’s done, she’s reaching for a Bible and not your big man. Or take the guy who suggests attending a couples’ swing party. This idea is certainly not for the faint-hearted woman. But there you are, stepping into a party, accompanied by your husband. You know all too well, as a good wife, that you’re going to have sex with a stranger, if just to spice up your boring sex life. Something inside you says it’s wrong, but your husband wants you to. And you’ve got to do what is asked of every good wife – submit. If you don’t he’ll find someone else to do it with. You don’t want that, do you?
What if he suggests anal sex?
Yeah, what if they suggested it… What then?
I think sexual compatibility cant be emphasized enough. People look for everything else in a mate and forget to get one they are sexually compatible with. If you’re freaky, you def want someone who is or someone who doesnt have a problem being freaky. Imagine a fella making a proposal and he gets a o_O from the girl with a snide comment “Thats just nasty! Must be all that porn youre watching” Cant think of a worse way to put off a guy!
Like those Nickelback say, No is a dirty word. It should be more like… why not?
My 2 cents.
Appreciating your 2 cents.
But here’s the thing, how many couples talk about their sexual compatibility before marriage? How many are even willing to go there? How many are honest enough to say how many sexual partners they’ve had? Or the kinkiest thing they’ve ever done? How many men would admit to masturbating? It’s no biggy really, but how many would admit it? Or let’s touch base. How many couples are always ready and willing to go to a VCT center together and speak openly to a counselor about their past sexual encounters?
Even better, how many women would dare introduce something new to the marital bed without feeling that they’ll be judged? How many men would be happy to have found a wife with a sexual prowess that rivals his? How many would not feel challenged? And not wonder “where did she learn all this moves?”
Last Saturday the Standard ran a story on how married women use sex toys. Oh, the hullabaloo! Men pretended to be appalled, women were angry at being exposed. On this little matter both sexes said your dirty word ‘NO’.
Did anyone give some consideration to the wife with a husband who’s paralyzed from the waist down and has been on a wheel chair for the last 5yrs since that bad accident? Doesn’t she have sexual desires? Should she find a man to satisfy her needs? Or is it easier for her to get a sex toy which her paralyzed husband can use as a prosthetic ‘limb?’
And why not?
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Here’s a spanner
From what I’ve heard from my female married friends, it’s actually the husbands who are reluctant to get adventurous with their wives.
Some men especially those with old school mentality think that some stuff are beneath their wives. So they restrict their wives to the missionary position required to produce little midgets and then go outside for more exciting stuff.
So even when a wife tries to introduce new stuff the dude refuses. I think this is the same mentality men have when determining which woman is wifeable. If you’re adventurous and “wild” they won’t marry you, they’ll look for the “pure” ones
One of my male colleagues (married dude,) said that men don’t marry their fantasy woman even if they come across her 4million times. They marry someone like their mother (care giver, home maker, etc). Now your mother cannot be your fantasy woman, even though she has an ass like Kim Kardashian and a heart like Florence Nightingale. Wife material women, according to men, are made of the stuff that their mothers are made of.
So men leave the fantasy woman out there. They label her in a way that they’ll always have something to chase after for the rest of their married life. And there’s nothing like the thrill of the hunt.
Or so he said.
It’s a weird state of mind.
Does it mean that in the 21st Century deep down we still think of sex as a dirty thing? Something that a proper woman shouldn’t be good at? All the ‘lady in the street and a freak in bed’ talk is just talk?
It’s rap music. And rap music is highly exaggerated.
I’m a guy & i plan to marry a good wife but we have to be compatible in bed & she can’t be the type that just lies there or a virgin. I especially cannot marry a virgin. Being kinky helps keep things interesting & fresh but there are limits, there’s no way i’m doing threesomes, orgies or swing parties with my wife.That’s a marriage killer right there.
I hear you.
By the way, are threesomes, orgies and swing parties illegal in this country? I know bestiality and incest is, and we are all pussy footing around the homosexuality issue. But is anyone, especially those behind the Marriage Bill, talking about orgies and swing parties?
Every man wants to marry a virgin,so he can ‘be the man who teaches her’ as Matrixster says.
Lol..,Honey, I hope you don’t believe that crap given that they’re lots of guys out there who would still have trouble locating your g-spot armed with a GPS device and aided by the elite Team Six Navy Seals.
But before we drift off too far, the objective of this post, after all the teaching and learning is done, and as a woman, you’ve attained enough knowledge from your hubby, what else would you do with that knowledge? How would you exploit it? Or will you let your self-proclaimed professor husband set the limits for you?
The horror. I’m starting to thank my lucky stars that I talk ‘too much’. Good post!
If you’re one of the good wife types, one day you will be dumbfounded. Trust me..,
I like everything you people are saying. Keep the discussion going.. I’m reading
A lot of the times that I found myself having the most fun were times that I was also on the wrong side of morality and sometimes, the law (I will not repeat this under oath). Anyway, simply put, I wouldn’t wanna marry a prude. I’m willing to be open-minded about trying new kinky moves and such stuff and I will expect as much from my then wife. Not to say that I’m willing to break a limb in the pursuit on non-conventional release.
A little fun wouldn’t hurt anyone. I’m a firm believer that we were fitted with genital appendages for a purpose beyond procreation.
Playing safe on the comments I see
Is there something like too much fun when it comes to sex between married couples?
There is, indeed, such a thing as too much fun between a couple. A case in point would be the couple into exhibitionist paraphilia and who perhaps want to have sex on a public beach in the light of noon. I saw a story like that somewhere recently. I can’t remember if it was in the papers or online.
There are very few couples that really go cold turkey on the sex before marriage. I am rather liberal, but all the same… It is admirable for those who choose to wait until marriage to break the bed in, really…it is.
Anyhu, I have heard of women who try introducing new positions, props and the bloke accuses the woman of infidelity. He can’t possibly imagine where you learnt that, we do watch porn you know.
We also attend sex class..,
http://soulspinster.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/rich-wife-poor-wife-beggar-wife-thief/
They don’t.
I know for a fact there’s lots of good sex in many marriages. I know quite a number of felas who can’t even think of touching another woman. The man must guide the art of sex, irrespective of whether in or out of marriage. If he ain’t good enough with one woman, he probably won’t be good with another and hence beats logic of creeping around looking for alternatives.
As many here have mentioned, one needs to find a partner who is sexually compatible with them, whether hyper, medium or lowly skilled. You have to find your match. Getting a super skilled partner doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sorted for the rest of your era on earth.
And why are we ridiculing virgins like we was born humping? Even the best of us had to learn and under the guidance of someone at that. Be a man and teach your woman.
As for morning wood, er, sleep is induced back one way or another.
Why on earth would someone not want to marry a virgin?it’s a free pass to u being the SI unit!not only that bt u r at liberty 2 introduce ur spouse to all the fantasies u’ve had since u were twelve
-am assuming one had a healthy adolescence- not being in bed and she’s trying to get a tingly feeling she got when wit…or the guy bending her over that she may moan like…
on orgies,swinging…its classified undr prostitution.ask any divorce lawyers
Really? Awesome
Lady Nittzsah, well I’d like to believe I’m very blessed but not alone in this. My SO and I aren’t getting jiggy just yet and. yes we are waiting for marriage.
Yes we have gone to the VCT together and plan on going every couple of months just because we want it to be a tradition even in. our marriage. Not because we don’t trust each other but because we love each other.
I knew it would be him because at that very first nerve wracking time I asked him what would happen if he had it and I didn’t – he’d break up with me because I deserved a happy and Aids free marriage.
That aside yes we talk about sex, being Christian is not a euphemism for head in sand for matters sexual. The sad case of the church maintaining silence on sex apart for chastity is what fails our generation. However we’re not alone and what we’ve found is a network of married couples doing it right and mentoring dating and engaged couples. In many ways though we’re luckier than most and we hope and pray that we get there how we intend to. It for sure ain’t easy at all but talking to people who have walked that path makes it easier.
For those that don’t bother talking, seriously??? Being honest is hard but you’d rather lay out the cards before you’re trapped in a difficult situation.
You, my dear, are on the right track. I wish you and your man all the best. Things become easier when they are talked about, don’t they? Thank you for sharing.
So what happens when you finally do it and it turns out its yak whak pathetic icky etc etc and you’re already married up?
Then what?
Good question.
My husband was the first man I had sex with. It was awkward for the first few days but after that things went so well. Nowadays, I always look forward to our intimacy all day!
I used to be really skeptical about marriage because I am naturally very independent minded – I still am!
But I have realized that marriage can work even for the independent types.
Most of us nowadays expect the worst, so imagine my surprise to discover that he actually had no problem waking up early and making me breakfast – and that on a regular basis!
hey SoulSpinster, errr.. nice post? lol. Binti makes some very valid points. I think that there are ways you can be freaky and get the most out of marital or long-term committed sex while still respecting your partner. It’s a very delicate balance. Men have to be more expressive and communicative in the bedroom and also be ready to accept suggestions and instructions from their partners. MEN NEED TO EVOLVE,
PS: for the first time ever, I was listening to that Busted show on radio yesterday and they were doing a follow-up on some woman who was married but ended shagging her boss because the latter gave her something she had never gotten in her marriage: an orgasm. If you ask me, such cases must ONLY happen where you marry a man who turns out to be impotent or has severe erectile dysfunction. Everything else can resolved by both married people communicating and sharing with each other.
Heard it too. That was the famous Agnes a.k.a Oh My God. Dedicated a post to her after that incident – Agnes You’re The Man!
http://diasporadical.com/2010/10/27/agnes-youre-the-man/
But the most interesting person was that woman who called in to say she’s never had an orgasm for the 10 years she’s been married. There she was saying how Agnes did wrong and then out of nowhere pulled that 10year confession. She said she’s tried talking to her husband but he doesn’t change. When Ciku asked her, what happens, she said:
“Si you know how these men just jump on us?”
LOL! #iCant
*DEAD*
Ati she what? And she’s been on the “si you know these men…” vybe for 10years? TEN?
*SMDH*
That woman needs to realize that she may be the only one who is jumped on. And isn’t that like marital rape? What consenting adult agrees to be jumped on? Damn!
LOOOL he just jumps on me, no foreplay? i bet she’s mostly dry and dude does not mind…some saliva will do.
Dead cockroach …LMAO
Interesting post.
Now, allow me to quote the Bible.
It says somewhere “Two cannot walk together unless they agree”.
This is very complicated yet very simple.
But it all boils down to the two lovers(married couple) discussing and coming to a consensus about what works for them.
Marriage is about compromise.
@wamathai i like your mindset. threesomes and orgies are marriage killers for me ,but i’ll definately want a husband who’s not afraid of trying out new things.#dead cockroach -lmao
It’s been too long since your last post – okay, done with the whinning!
Interesting post :reading:
I missed you too
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i like this
Ok. Serious post on this one that I am struggling with. I have now been married for 9 months, and this is both of our 3rd marriage. We are truly a wonderful couple, work well together on all aspects of our life, including our intimate life. To take you back to help you understand, in my past marriage, over the course of years, my ex-husband and I played and experiemented alot. We would go to strip clubs, and once went to a nude resort. So i’m a little a extrovert I guess you could say. Well, upon my ex-husbands persistence of telling me how awesome it would be to see with me with another woman, I did. In a total marriage of 10 years, this happened 3 times total. And my current husband in his past has been adventourous as well. Due to my second marriage ending badly, I have a lot of mixed feelings about ever playing outside the marital bounds again, and actually swore it off. I’m an extremely sexual person, and and totally against cheating. I made it clear to my then boyfriend, now husband how I felt about things I had done in my past and with my ex-husband, that it always seemed like it was never enough. It was always, well, do this for me…etc.
Well, now I’m feeling that pressure again. I love him and and I know he does me as well, he has never seen two chicks together and says he just wants to watch me and another girl go at it…well, in my mind..that just opens up pandoras box. I mean is the girl just gonna sit there while I get pleased by my husband? My husband only wants another girl, not a couple. So I’m just feeling heavy and worried. I just dont want to go down another road only to end again in divorce. Ugh. Thank you
Can’t tell you how to deal with this situation. Like most posts on this blog, I ask more questions than give answers. I hope you figure it out, prolly talk to someone.., a professional. All the best.
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I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for you?
Plz reply as I’m looking to create my own blog and would like to know where u got this from. appreciate it