Here’s What to Call Your Sex Organ

If I had to go back to high school, the only topic I would retake is Reproduction. Not because it was every student’s interesting subject, but because my Biology teacher was too shy to utter reproduction jargon.

That’s right. He’d be there at the front dictating notes, and we’d be hunched over our desks trying not to write while shaking (coz of his shy stammering). Somewhere between his annoying stutters, he’d go silent only for us to raise our heads and realize that what he couldn’t utter with his mouth, he had written on the chalk board.

My goodness!!

Never have I felt so cheated. There was my Biology teacher trying to censor a lecture. I mean, I could have learned more about sex just by listening to Snoop. And to think that this guy had children.., how did he even get them? Who allowed him to?

But that’s the problem right there. You pious, holy, Godly, righteous adults decided that the subject of sexual organs can never be discussed unless it is:-

1. In bad light or

2. In sickness

And even then, you cannot refer to the affected parts as they should be. You’ve got silly euphemisms for your  sexual organs and sexual intercourse. It’s okay to do that as a child but above the age of 18, how do you still refer to your sexual organs as nini and huko chini, while sex is anything from hiyo maneno to kufanyana?

Fine, this is Africa and you can blame my shy Biology teacher for this nonsense. Our parents are no better. To this date, my own mother cannot say the word “boyfriend” while looking me straight in the eye. That said, you can already guess that she and I never ever had that all important Sex Talk . Everything I know, I taught myself. And I am not alone.

Which leads me to ask:

How are you going to teach Kenyans how to use a condom, when they cannot even say the words PENIS and VAGINA without blushing?

Aren’t we jumping the gun here? Don’t you hear them calling Maina in the morning? Grown adults fumbling over age-five euphemisms for manhood. “Ei Maina.., hiyo kitu ilikuwa ndogo.” I sit in the mat and think.., your children have never heard the word PENIS (coz you will never even tell them they have one) but here you are referring to it like it’s a mustard seed?

A wise woman once told me that every community has a specific word for the things they believe exist. If it doesn’t exist, then there is no one word that describes it. See, in each of our vernaculars there’s a term for a body part. The eye, the  hand, the stomach, even the buttocks. But ask across the board what is a community’s word for “penis” or vagina”. You’ll get different responses of words that can be interchanged to mean anything from a cow’s tail to a hole in the ground. Worst still, the responses come with a shy, small voice and a childish grin. Don’t even get me started on the hip slung. Pussy can mean so many things.

People say that before you get married you should talk about everything with your future spouse. From finances, to in-laws,  to religion, to children. How do you talk about children when you cannot openly talk about your sexual organs? Or is sex something that just happens? No wonder you’ve got so many kids. No wonder Gonorrhea is back.

What is the harm in saying vagina? It’s Friday, let’s practice

VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!!!

Let’s say penis now:-

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!

That didn’t feel too bad did it?

No, you’re not going to hell. At least not today. But do you know what will probably take you to hell. It’s the way you mention God’s name in vain. Coz in the act you’re all like “Oh God, Oh God, yes, Oh GOOOODDD!!!” but you’re same person who cannot use the word VAGINA in a conversation with your girlfriends.

I think God is going to have a lot of trouble on judgement day. Things will probably play out like this:-

God: Nittzsah, please step forward

Nittzsah: *bows* Yes, my Lord

God: Do you realize that in all your sexual encounters you screamed my name 4, 789, 603 times but only used the word vagina 2 times in your entire lifetime. 2 times, girl!!

Nittzsah: Lord, I can explain

God: Explain?! It was MY name you weren’t supposed to mention in vain, not your sexual organs!

Dear Kenyans, I’m all for teaching people how to use condoms. I’m, even willing to volunteer my energy to the campaign. But until we start having candid conversations about sex and the parts involved, we are wasting our time. Shrouding such vital information in euphemisms only dilutes the message. There is nothing offensive or disgusting about any of your body parts. Your sex organ is not a bad thing. It is as much a part of your body as your head, shoulders, knees and toes. So start referring to it without fear or shame.

Keep practicing: VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA……

The Gay Bible – Coming Soon To a Church Near You

The news has it that a gay revision of the Bible is set to go on sale soon.

So this gay bible of course does not have your usual bible characters. In the beginning, there’s Adam and Steve (of course). As you read further you’ll meet Samantha and Delilah. Fast forward to the new testament and you’ll meet Josephine and Mary – Jesus parents. All of Jesus disciples are gay and paired up, with the exception of Judas. Both Judas and Satan are straight, which begs the question:

If in the gay bible Satan is straight.., does it mean straight people are evil or that Satan is "normal"?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Though I’m not gay, I’m convinced this Bible will be a bestseller. You know why? Because controversy sells. And those very holy, devoted Christians will be the ones who’ll buy this Bible the most. They’ll read it cover to cover and memorize the verses so well, they’ll be able to repeat them word for word in one of those church gossip gatherings. Then those who hear about it and are repulsed by the very idea of a gay Bible will buy their own copy, take the trouble to read it and then burn it. Do people still burn bibles?

Sigh…, humanity.  I can just picture “mainstream churches” around the world coming together to make bible bonfires . Perhaps they’ll be led by the Pope. And while they do that, Pink Cross Publishing will be laughing all the way to the gay bank. Set to be released with this gay bible is a companion workbook for children to use in Sunday school.

Please note:  Pink Cross already published a gay-friendly version of the Koran. With input from newly defrocked priests, a Catholic version of the gay-friendly Bible will be published by end of the year.

Which begs another question:

In the gay bible that's set to go on sale, Judas and Satan are straight. How do you feel about your sexual preference?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Go Ahead With the Hunger Strike, and Please Consider Boycotting Sex Too

Bet you have heard that Kenyan men intend to boycott their wives meals to protest the recent spate of husband battery. I thought the shame and embarrassment of the battery cases would end after #NyeriTVShows trended at no.1 worldwide. But no, now there’s a hunger strike in the offing. I’ve said time and again, that I doubt Nderitu Njoka’s professional capacity to handle the sensitive issue that is domestic violence. His utterances seem to rile women more than help calm them down.

“It is not an issue of poverty any more. It is about women supremacy as they want to dominate men.” – DN 10/2/210

…, Njoka blamed empowerment funds given to women by the government for the increase in the trend adding that men should also be financially empowered.  - diasporamessenger.com 20/2/2012

Are Mr. Njoka’s comments informed by scientific research or by general male paranoia which has found its way to the airwaves? Has Mr. Njoka bothered to sit with some of these female batterers and ask them why they felt they had to result to violence?

Mr. Njoka may want to play the hero here, whisking away the males in distress. But if he cannot eventually bring married couples together to discuss their marital woes, his good intentions may soon come under criticism, much like our vice president’s intentions have.

If anything, this hunger strike seems like one among many theatrics Nderitu Njoka keeps pulling from his magic hat. What exactly is this strike meant to achieve? I get the means (demonstrate against husband battery by failing to eat wife’s food) but what is the end?

Pose for a minute and ask yourself: If this man’s wife went ahead to slash his face so mercilessly, does she seem like someone who would be concerned as to whether her husband has eaten or not? Had she killed this man (if murder was her intention), wouldn’t the ration of food she prepares be less one plate if he were dead?

Pose again and ask yourself: When a wife or any woman wishes to silently demonstrate against her partner’s misdeeds, what does she do? She withdraws. She becomes silent, doesn’t want to spend time with him and refuses to have sexual intercourse let alone be touched. She’ll probably fail to serve him any meals or fail to cook at all. So dear members of Maendeleo ya Wamaume, by failing to eat your angry wives meals, aren’t you saving her the trouble of cooking for you? Has it crossed your mind, that she’s probably thought of poisoning your food too? It’s happened, no?

And before you swallow hard, think about this: How many times have you come home at 2am in the night, belly full, smelling of nyama choma and proceeded to get into bed? Do you know how many women are super excited when you don’t have to wake them up to heat your food? Do you? Oh, do you? That right there is a moment to praise the good lawd! She doesn’t have to get her poor feet all cold, running around the kitchen or sitting with you at the table watching you as you gulp down her good cooking. But at the same time, she will probably be angry that she took the time to make you a meal and you didn’t bother to even ask about it. She’ll want to know which other woman has been feeding you. A question, if not well answered or answered at all, will probably see your face appear on the newspaper.

Finally: If you are the kind of man who abdicated your bread-winning role to your wife, wouldn’t it be silly to then boycott the food that you didn’t even bother to put on the table?

“Whoever refuses to work is not allowed to eat” – 2 Thessalonians 3:10 (GNB)

“But if a man makes no provision for those dependent on him, and especially for his own family, he has disowned the faith and is behaving worse than an unbeliever.” – 1 Timothy 5:8

Nderitu Njoka aside, marriage is between two people. Society may advice them on what society thinks is right but it is up to them to decide how best to conduct their marriage. For instance, society may advice a couple against anal sex, while the heterosexual couple actually draw so much pleasure from the act. So dear men, just go home and talk to your wives. Stop talking to them through other channels. Just swallow your pride and your pre-conceived, sexist theories of male supremacy. Calmly reason with your wives, and find a long term solution to your marital problems. And remember, no two marriages are alike. Only you two can decide what your marriage is like and stand by it. Then again, if all else fails, who has stopped you from sending your wife away?

Happy “V” Day

One of my readers asked me if I was planning to write a Valentine’s Day post. In all honesty I wasn’t. But then another reader asked me if I was going to, and I guess I had no choice. So I wrote an unoriginal poem and got pictures to go with it instead.

DISCLAIMER: I am no poet.

❥❥❥❥ Happy V Day ❥❥❥❥

To the wives “Happy Validation Day”

To the fiancées “Happy Verifying Day”

To the clandes “Happy Vale-night Day“

To the chips funga “Happy Variety Day”

To the prostitute “Happy Vixen Day”

To the horny single guy, “Happy Vaseline Day”

To the horny single equipped chic, “Happy Vibrator Day”

To the single chic who would have really liked to have a valentine, “Happy Void Day”

To the broke guy, “Happy Vamoose Day”

To the broke guy who’s trying really hard “Happy Viking Day”

To the rich old guy “Happy Viagra Day”

To the chic expecting gifts today but won’t get shit “Happy Vendetta Day”

To the innocent chic who’ll get her drink spiked “Happy Vodka Day”

To the chic who’ll stop at nothing to get a valentine “Happy Voodoo Day”

To the guy who’ll stop at nothing to get a valentine “Happy Vulture Day”

And finally, Happy Valentine’s Day!

*curtsies and walks off stage*

High Maintenance Ego

E-go: the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing..,

Recently one of my father’s tenants angrily asked my mom, “how the hell did you marry that man you call your husband?”

Said tenant had had an altercation with papa dearest who had refused to refund her deposit claiming that the house she was planning to vacate had “several repairs” whose cost would amount to the value of the deposit she was demanding.

My mom couldn’t look into the matter because dad has been clear over the years. “His estate, his tenants. If you want to look into any tenant complaints, find your own estate and your own tenants.” In short, mind your own business. So mom could not do much but apologize on behalf of her loving husband and take the barrage of complaints and insults which she wouldn’t bother to report.

It’s not a story that took me by surprise. Besides, if you’ve directly dealt with landlords, you’ve probably had such an experience. I don’t mean to defend my dad, not at all. But I know better than to get in his way.

From a very young age, I learned to study human beings keenly before passing judgement about their character. Yes, I actually give people a chance to prove themselves. That saves me a lot trouble in the future and gives me sufficient time to walk away – rather than run for the hills when it’s too late.

When I can’t ignore people that aggravate me, I quickly establish a way of working with them during the few hours of the day that we must interact, for the task at hand to be completed – all too glad of course, that I don’t have to spend the rest of my life with them.

In my experience, the most annoying individuals are very very insecure. They constantly need something and someone to validate their existence and fill that dark, empty hole in their lives. Something to silence the little voice that constantly tells them that they are not good enough. But most of all, someone who can say “You’re not just it. You’re everything.”

Which is why folks insist that you marry your best friend. And ya’ll know, friends are friends forever. And your friend wouldn’t put you down. Never. So you get yourself a BFFS (Best Friend Forever Spouse).  The one person in the world who will always understand where you’re coming from even when the rest of the world doesn’t.

Even God, after much observation discovered that “.., it is not good for a man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” – Genesis 2:18

Looking at it from that perspective, I guess there’s no one better than a wife to massage a man’s ego. Lift his spirits. Remind him that he rules the roost, and by so doing, sits on top of the world. That he is A MAN. And from what I gathered from Wilbur Smith, men need constant reminding of their being, ( just like women need constant reassurance that they are still beautiful.)

It sounds like an easy, divine task commissioned by the Most High, but have you ever thought for a minute what it takes to be married to a man with a big ego?

I mean, what are your normal conversations like? When you ask for his take on something, what do you think he’d say? When you disagree, is your opinion worth two cents? Do you get heard? When you’ve had enough and want to walk away, would you ever hear the end of it? What about your friends and aquintances, do they associate you with your husband’s demeanor? Do they wonder (like my father’s tenant asked my mom) how you got married to that man?

And when you tell them that you get along just fine; that you saw something special in him, do they wonder if you have poor vision? Are they prone to think that the reason you get along so well is because, you have a lot in common? Would you have a problem with that?

Or is that what marriage is about, becoming one?

“I think I’m Big Meech, Larry Hoover..”

I’ve always wondered, what it takes to maintain a big ego? Is it a lot of work?

In the throws of passion, between the sheets and his hard place, what praises does one moan? Should you remain silent? No.., I don’t think silence would be taken kindly. You’ve got to at least say something. Something in reference to strength, superiority, ultimate manhood, satisfaction. Perhaps even, invincibility.

Yeah.., it matters.

Or not.

What does it really take to maintain a big ego?

How Far Would You Go.., Sexually That Is?

Before you read this post, I’d like to assume that you’ve read the disclaimer section on this blog. If you haven’t please do. When you do, and realize you’re too young to be reading this, please go back to listening to Justin Bieber. If you’re old enough but are, for some reason, offended by this post, go for confession.

Sometime back I mentioned that I wouldn’t respond to a morning glory jab. I’m not a morning person. I love my sleep. And I wouldn’t have sex if I’m not in the mood. But I doubt wives have the luxury to sleep when there’s morning wood sticking into their spine.

But let’s take this discussion a step further. And when I say further, I mean beyond page 69 of the Kamasutra.

Sex is beautiful. Consensual, adult, “I-know-what-I’m-doing-here sex, is even more beautiful. And that’s what married folks and religious peeps like to convince us. That there’s nothing more beautiful than sex in marriage.

Side note: If it’s so good, why ya’ll looking for better sex outside marriage?

I digress.

Yes. Sex in marriage is beautiful. And it’s not just because it helps manufacture little midgets, but it also fulfills each others’ human sexual desires. Marital sex is not only beautiful, it’s legal and holy and couldn’t be more right. Which is why all you women want to get married – to have legal sex. At least that’s what you told me here.

So if marital sex is legal and holy and right in all ways,  then I’d like to think that pretty much anything goes. No holds barred.

Besides, both parties of the marriage should draw a sense of fulfillment and ultimate satisfaction from sexual intercourse. If there’s only one person enjoying it, then something isn’t right. For this problem, some seek satisfaction outside marriage, and few work it out amongst themselves by getting adventurous.

This idea of sexual adventure among married couples is what brings me to ask.., How far would you go?

Married couples hardly talk about their sex lives to others. In fact it is discouraged. Or so I learned in the one bridal shower I have ever attended in my life. The bride to be was warned against talking to her friends about her sex life once she was married. And I had to agree with the “marriage counselor. Such  discussions would only go two ways.  You’re either praising your husband’s bedroom skills, marketing his joystick to your girlfriends who will then try to get it. Or, you’re cursing his bad love making, attracting ridicule from the same girlfriends who know you’re stuck with a withered mushroom on a  cactus plant.

On the other hand, and as a rule, guys don’t talk about sex with their wives. It’s just  wrong. Besides, whether your wife is good or bad in bed, there’s always that one hyena who’d hit that without a care in the world.

So no one’s talking. Yet I’m always left to wonder, when married couples do get sexually adventurous, how far do they go? And how does either party respond to the adventure? More so the wives?

See guys pick good wives. I don’t know what good wives are, but I like to imagine they are home grown, church going, submissive, polite women. Not wild, hopefully virgins who’s ultimate idea of good sex is lying on their back and parting their legs. But how many men are content being served dead coakroach every night for 50 years?

A dead bug's illustration of the missionary

Some men may argue that they can get any other action they need from the likes of Sue. Coz really, men get away with anything right?

But then there are married couples who get kinky.

Sometimes, the man chooses to introduce something new. Say a porn flick, “Watch this baby, and let’s try. Ama?” , subjecting homegrown good wife to lewd images. And by the time she’s done, she’s reaching for a Bible and not your big man. Or take the guy who suggests attending a couples’ swing party. This idea is certainly not for the faint-hearted woman. But there you are, stepping into a party, accompanied by your husband. You know all too well, as a good wife, that you’re going to have sex with a stranger, if just to spice up your boring sex life. Something inside you says it’s wrong, but your husband wants you to. And you’ve got to do what is asked of every good wife – submit. If you don’t he’ll find someone else to do it with. You don’t want that, do you?

What if he suggests anal sex?

Morning Glory and Other Conjugal Rights

The flat I live in is comprised of about 24 one-bedroom houses. Allow me to profile the residents: Late 20s to early 30s, not yet married, no kids, employed, salaried, some jav, some own a car – mostly Vitz’s and Premios. Some are in stable relationships, some just funga what they find up in Galileo, Infinity, Rafikiz or Psys. Let’s call them what I like to call them – Young Money.

The thing with folks like these is that they tend to get laid.., a lot. So much so, that there is usually a chorus of at least two to three moans at odd and even hours (depending on how open minded you are).

Now there’s this one chic who’s particularly loud. She stands out from the rest for various reasons. One, chica and her man get up at exactly 4am to do it,  arousing (from the word rise, as in wake up.., as in.., kuam.., oh never mind) half the flat. Two, her bed knocks on the wall like some very obvious Morse Code. Three, she often sounds like she’s choking (kinky!) and just when you think she probably needs some rescuing, she orgasms in a loud frenzy. Four, the sex lasts on average one and a half hours (dang, that dude must be good!!). Five (and this is not any of chica’s fault), there’s another chic that get’s up at around the same time to pray, also very loudly. One of those prayer warriors, that heave and ho and weep and speak in tongues ♫like the day of Pentecost♫ . It’s relevant I mention this because, both chics howl “Oh God! Oh God!” in their different intense moments. God must be one confused guy at such times.

I find it all very comical. I’m not one to complain. Nope. Not even when I’m going through a dry spell and jealousy threatens to get the best of me. But you know what the good book says – Love your neighbour as you love yourself. For love is patient and kind. It does not envy, and if I speak in tongues and if I have no love, I’d be like a noisy… Nah, I was just stunting my Sunday School interpretation of the word. If I keep going like this, I might become other chica’s prayer partner. #Focused.

Now, I’m meant to understand (from watching the v-day edition of The Doctors on Mnet Series) that men prefer to have sex in the morning than at any other time of day or night. Which makes sense since it’s the time when a man’s phallus is at it’s prime, say rather, Greenwhich 0° 0′ 0″, appropriately defined as the starting point of every time zone in the World. Basically, no other activity of the day can commence until, a man gets what his naturally occurring boner demands. This is in contrast to many women’s preference to have sex at night, before they turn over and sleep.

You can’t do anything to change this Mars-Venus imbalance. Which is why I insist that God has a wi, wi,.., weird sense of humor. For crying out loud, why did he have to give dudes a boner in the cocks (pun alert) and give women the mojo-jojos at sunset? Doesn’t He know there’s a reason they named it the morning-after pill. Duh!

Just look at this work-play difference:

A woman wakes up and throws in her energy to prepping the kids for school, her husband for work and then herself. Works all day, goes back home in the evening – dinner, dishes, shower, bed and final activity- sex. Very tired sex, before drifting off.

A man wakes up, and immediately throws his energy into sex (some for one  and a half hours). Shower, off to work, work, home, shower, TV, doze off while flipping channels, dinner,bed, lazy 10min for-the-sake-of-wifey tired sex, then sleep.

I’ll tell you for free. I’m not a morning person. Waking up in the morning, even to go to work is a task. I snooze my alarm for 30minutes. I grope my way to the light switch, flick it on, then open my right eye, go back to my bed, sit on it and wait for my brain to restart, much like Windows. Only when I stand up to make my bed and pick something from my wardrobe to wear do I open my other eye. I’m fully awake when I start ironing and it’s only because the iron box can easily slip from my weak grip and fall flat on my foot. This rising process takes anything between 20 to 30min.

If I was married, my husband would probably sue me for denying him his conjugal rights in the morning. Dude would probably end up getting a mpango that does mornings, Jimmy Gathu notwithstanding. Coz honestly speaking, it’d take me an hour or more to respond to his finger/phallus poking my back. And even if he was good in bed, by the 2nd year of the marriage,  his skills wouldn’t be motivation enough to open my third eye.