Where is Mrs. Peter Kenneth?

This is the mystery a section of Kenyans (less concerned with Andrew) are trying to solve.

Who is the woman that contributed to this pretty face?

Granted Mrs. Kenneth went conspicuously unmentioned during the launch of her husband’s presidential bid on Sunday- a momentous occasion that got Kenyans talking about all sorts of things – politics, a president and possibly, a father-in-law.

Perhaps it’s the need to find perfection in Kenneth as the country’s next leader. The presidential aspirant has a great track record and sound policies – attributes that have earned him the oxymoron title “Kenya’s Obama.”

The only problem with that title is that, according to Kenyans, an Obama-like Kenneth has got to present a Michelle-like wife, otherwise he’s not completely working the Obama attraction.

Now, I’m yet to see Kenyans vote for a leader based on his/her family values. I don’t even know what family values Kenyans subscribe to? On one side we have musicians and philanthropists coming out to proudly declare their positions as 2nd wives, on the other we have our current president consistently asserting that he has only one wife. Whatever the case may be, family values in a broad undefined sense, have never been a key factor in Kenya’s politics. Even among female voters.

Had it been the case then, we would all want to know who is partly responsible for Martha Karua’s children. But then again, no one cares whether she’s single, married or cruising past Kentmere. For Kenyans, there’s no one to compare her with. Certainly not Obama.

Kenneth’s predicament may also be as a result of our obsession with the Obama family-pictures doing rounds on Social Media. I cannot tell you how many women I have heard sigh and say “what a beautiful family.” Indeed, Obama has done a good job in presenting a picture perfect family – a factor that works for him in the United States.

Back home however, it would be unfair to impose such ideals on any of our candidates. At least not at the moment. This country has far more bigger problems and in my written opinion, it doesn’t matter if the leader that gets us out of our current mess is divorced, widowed or wed.

Does Kenya deserve a more prominent and outspoken First Lady? We probably do. Besides, the ones we have had are more assumed to exist than they are actually seen. And does that make any difference in a largely patriarchal society that expects women to know their place and stick to it (wherever that place may be – the kitchen?)

Peter Kenneth is not Barrack Obama. He is his own man. He is no less a leader whether or not Anne is by his side every time he appears in public or takes a picture for the press. We had better all focus on the issues this country needs to tackle and ask the right questions.

Move on. There’s nothing to see here.

This is a Stick Up

A long lost friendly recently asked me to MC at his wedding fundraiser.

I know, right?

I was honored to be his last resort, but I couldn’t help but roar wild with laughter. Not because I make a bad MC (trust me I’ve tried), but ya’ll know my stand as far as wedding fund-raisers and such fleecing activities are concerned.

Lately though, I’m finding myself in such awkward situations and I’m beginning to wonder whether those who know me actually take me seriously. Look, I’ve made a decision not to get married. I blog about it, and very seriously for that matter – not for fun; but so that your why’s, oh-my-she’s-bitter conclusions and you-don’t-know-what-you’re-missing nods are answered.  See, the same way you have no intention of doing drugs is the very same way I do not intend to get married. And if you don’t intend to do drugs, clearly, you don’t hangout where drugs are sold, now do you?

In spite of making my position known, I still get wedding invitations and desperate pleas to contribute to inflated wedding budgets. I’ve also been asked to be part of bridal parties, something I’ve done only twice in my entire life – only for family and because my mom would’ve killed me had I declined.

So this offer to be an MC at a wedding fundraiser..,

While I have since turned it down, I can’t help imagining what I would have done had I taken it up. How, would I have gotten the crowd to give all their beer and weave money to this couple? What quirky lines would I have come up with?

Nah, I wouldn’t. I’d be more practical about it though.

There’s the scenario I pictured where I walk into the room with some sales team from Stan Chart. They’d come equipped with flyers and PowerPoint slides ready to sell a wedding-loan to the couple, “in front of all these witnesses.”

After the StanChart presentation, I’d conduct a small referendum, where the “witnesses”, would vote on whether they should still contribute to the couples wedding or whether the couple should take the StanChart loan. Now.., you don’t have to work at Synovate to figure out the results of such a vote.

But of all the scenarios that have played out in my mind, this has so far been the best:-

“Ladies and gentlemen,

I’ve got no time for this shit

*******FIN*******

Lessons I’ve Learned From Mandela’s Love Life

Being Mandela’s birthday, the world will go crazy posting Mandela quotes on various social media sites. So much for community service and singing. I did the same thing last year. Googled Mandela quotes, Ctrl C + Ctrl V and just like that, my fellow tweeps got to know I’m with it too. But since I may not engage in any community service today, I met as well blog.

Being Mandela’ birthday, this year I chose to reflect on his love life. I have been reminded however, that given my lack of interest in marriage, I shouldn’t be learning anything in the first place. Touché.

@Nittzsah that lesson is not for you… Stop lying Girl… LOL—
sure nazareth (@iFortknox) July 18, 2012

A Brief History

Mandela has been married three times. His first marriage was to Evelyn Ntoko Mase. The couple broke up in 1957, after 13 years, divorcing under the multiple strains of his constant absences, devotion to revolutionary agitation, and the fact she was a Jehova’s Witness, a religion which requires political neutrality.

His second marriage was to Winnie Nomzamo Madikizela- Mandela. She was a social worker, 16 years younger than Mandela. Their love affair began in 1958 and lived through the most trying time of Mandela’s liberation struggle – his life sentence in Robben Island. However, in 1992 they went separate ways. It is speculated that the separation was fueled by Winnie’s political ambitions and the fact that she was co-accused in the  kidnapping of four youth and the murder of one of them – 14-year-old Stompie Seipei.

Mandela is currently married to Graca Machel, who he wed on his 80th birthday. Graca was a widow of Mozambican president Samoa Machel, who had been killed in an air crash 12 years earlier.

And that’s a brief history of Mandela’s love life.

Not exactly that fairy-tale, picture-perfect marriage ya’ll pray and make burnt-offerings for God to deliver. But that never changed the man the world loves and and who has come to be recognized as a symbol of freedom and peace. While his love life was in turmoil, his desire for the liberation of South Africans never wavered. The other way to look at it, he may have given up the fight to concentrate on his personal life and save not just one, but two marriages. Some may argue, he probably shouldn’t have married in the first place. Besides, he’s life was.., complicated? But Mandela always wanted a partner.

As Fatima Meer, a Durban professor said in 1992 during Mandela’s separation from Winnie.  ”Nelson really wanted a wife. He didn’t want a politician.”

So what lessons do I learn from Mandela’s love life?

• If you’ve always wanted to be married, you will be.
• Not all marriages are the same. They do not all have to take the same path. They also don’t come with a user manual.
• That anyone can be disappointed in marriage. No one is special. So stop feeling sorry for yourself.
• That you don’t have to sit there and stay in a marriage that doesn’t work
• That if one marriage doesn’t work, don’t get into an affair. You can always leave (the proper way), marry again and be happy.
• You’ve got only one life. Make the most of it.
• That there’s nothing selfish about following your purpose while you’re married. If you don’t get the support you need, find someone who’s willing to support you.
• Finally, marriage is a part of life, not ‘THE’ life. So don’t make it be the only thing you accomplish. You were created to be much more than a spouse. As Margaret Thatcher said when her husband Denis proposed marriage:-

“I love you so much but, I will never be one of those women, Dennis. Who stays silent and pretty on the arm of her husband. Or remote and alone in the kitchen -doing the washing up, for that matter. One’s life must matter, Dennis. Beyond all the cooking and the cleaning and the children. One’s life must mean more than that. I cannot die washing a teacup!”

Thank you and Happy Birthday Madiba!

Happy Father’s Day to a Spinster’s Father

DISCLAIMER: This is a mushy post. Okay, you’ve been warned :’(

I’m yet to openly declare to my family that I have no intention of getting married. One of my brothers (the closest of my siblings) is aware of my stand while the rest don’t really care. We’ve been brought up to respect each other’s space – something that works perfectly for all of my siblings. My parents are in the dark about my intentions. However, a while back my mom sensed what I was up to (coz moms are smart like that), prompting her to forge an intervention that has not borne fruit two years on.

The guy who’s acting all blasé about the matter is my dad. Dude cannot be read. He gangster like that. He doesn’t ask, so we don’t talk about it. Also, we’ve never really been that close. But that’s not to say he and I don’t talk (about the weather).., and occasionally share a beer.

But as I grow older, I can’t help but wonder if the aging man would like a son-in-law. Being the only girl in my family, I’m the only one who can make this possible. I watched him closely at my brothers’ weddings. That moment when their fiances were given away by their own fathers; what was going through my father’s mind? Thinking about it now, does he ever dream that one day he’ll give me away too?

No.., I don’t think so. What father wants to give away his daughter more so to that mukora he sees sauntering next to his homestead, trying to get his daughter’s attention? Sigh.., I don’t know. And I can’t ask.

I remember that time my father spotted me with a guy right outside his fortress. Dad was driving in, and there I was just talking with a boy, but definitely so busted. I left my alleged boyfriend’ in a huff and dashed back into the house.  I found dad in the living room with his paper. He sternly cleared his throat to halt my feet, put down the paper and said “If you want to get married, tell me in good time so I can stop saving up for your education.” Two weeks later, he found me a place in campus, in a land far far away from home.

But that was then. I’m done with my studies, at least under his bill. I’ve left his warm home to live like a renegade daughter. Now, my dad’s only way of admitting he misses me is by sending texts messages about a great job ad in the Nation. Lately though, he’s been convincing me to buy my own house. Perhaps he’s realized that his little rascal has no intention of being wifed, nor housed.

All things considered, I’m thankful that my father has not put any pressure on me to get married. That he hasn’t gone out of his way to marry me off to his best friend’s son or some rich, old geezer in adult diapers. What?! TIA (This is Africa) and ya’ll know shit like that still goes down in this country.

I’m grateful that my dad has been holding it down all along, getting his own. So far he doesn’t seem eager to see the money he spent on my education repaid to him in the form of dowry. I’m not his retirement plan nor his pension scheme – as some fathers have made of their married daughters. And it is for this simple reason that I celebrate my dad this  Father’s Day!

Here’s What to Call Your Sex Organ

If I had to go back to high school, the only topic I would retake is Reproduction. Not because it was every student’s interesting subject, but because my Biology teacher was too shy to utter reproduction jargon.

That’s right. He’d be there at the front dictating notes, and we’d be hunched over our desks trying not to write while shaking (coz of his shy stammering). Somewhere between his annoying stutters, he’d go silent only for us to raise our heads and realize that what he couldn’t utter with his mouth, he had written on the chalk board.

My goodness!!

Never have I felt so cheated. There was my Biology teacher trying to censor a lecture. I mean, I could have learned more about sex just by listening to Snoop. And to think that this guy had children.., how did he even get them? Who allowed him to?

But that’s the problem right there. You pious, holy, Godly, righteous adults decided that the subject of sexual organs can never be discussed unless it is:-

1. In bad light or

2. In sickness

And even then, you cannot refer to the affected parts as they should be. You’ve got silly euphemisms for your  sexual organs and sexual intercourse. It’s okay to do that as a child but above the age of 18, how do you still refer to your sexual organs as nini and huko chini, while sex is anything from hiyo maneno to kufanyana?

Fine, this is Africa and you can blame my shy Biology teacher for this nonsense. Our parents are no better. To this date, my own mother cannot say the word “boyfriend” while looking me straight in the eye. That said, you can already guess that she and I never ever had that all important Sex Talk . Everything I know, I taught myself. And I am not alone.

Which leads me to ask:

How are you going to teach Kenyans how to use a condom, when they cannot even say the words PENIS and VAGINA without blushing?

Aren’t we jumping the gun here? Don’t you hear them calling Maina in the morning? Grown adults fumbling over age-five euphemisms for manhood. “Ei Maina.., hiyo kitu ilikuwa ndogo.” I sit in the mat and think.., your children have never heard the word PENIS (coz you will never even tell them they have one) but here you are referring to it like it’s a mustard seed?

A wise woman once told me that every community has a specific word for the things they believe exist. If it doesn’t exist, then there is no one word that describes it. See, in each of our vernaculars there’s a term for a body part. The eye, the  hand, the stomach, even the buttocks. But ask across the board what is a community’s word for “penis” or vagina”. You’ll get different responses of words that can be interchanged to mean anything from a cow’s tail to a hole in the ground. Worst still, the responses come with a shy, small voice and a childish grin. Don’t even get me started on the hip slung. Pussy can mean so many things.

People say that before you get married you should talk about everything with your future spouse. From finances, to in-laws,  to religion, to children. How do you talk about children when you cannot openly talk about your sexual organs? Or is sex something that just happens? No wonder you’ve got so many kids. No wonder Gonorrhea is back.

What is the harm in saying vagina? It’s Friday, let’s practice

VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!!!

Let’s say penis now:-

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!

That didn’t feel too bad did it?

No, you’re not going to hell. At least not today. But do you know what will probably take you to hell. It’s the way you mention God’s name in vain. Coz in the act you’re all like “Oh God, Oh God, yes, Oh GOOOODDD!!!” but you’re same person who cannot use the word VAGINA in a conversation with your girlfriends.

I think God is going to have a lot of trouble on judgement day. Things will probably play out like this:-

God: Nittzsah, please step forward

Nittzsah: *bows* Yes, my Lord

God: Do you realize that in all your sexual encounters you screamed my name 4, 789, 603 times but only used the word vagina 2 times in your entire lifetime. 2 times, girl!!

Nittzsah: Lord, I can explain

God: Explain?! It was MY name you weren’t supposed to mention in vain, not your sexual organs!

Dear Kenyans, I’m all for teaching people how to use condoms. I’m, even willing to volunteer my energy to the campaign. But until we start having candid conversations about sex and the parts involved, we are wasting our time. Shrouding such vital information in euphemisms only dilutes the message. There is nothing offensive or disgusting about any of your body parts. Your sex organ is not a bad thing. It is as much a part of your body as your head, shoulders, knees and toes. So start referring to it without fear or shame.

Keep practicing: VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA……

The Gay Bible – Coming Soon To a Church Near You

The news has it that a gay revision of the Bible is set to go on sale soon.

So this gay bible of course does not have your usual bible characters. In the beginning, there’s Adam and Steve (of course). As you read further you’ll meet Samantha and Delilah. Fast forward to the new testament and you’ll meet Josephine and Mary – Jesus parents. All of Jesus disciples are gay and paired up, with the exception of Judas. Both Judas and Satan are straight, which begs the question:

If in the gay bible Satan is straight.., does it mean straight people are evil or that Satan is "normal"?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Though I’m not gay, I’m convinced this Bible will be a bestseller. You know why? Because controversy sells. And those very holy, devoted Christians will be the ones who’ll buy this Bible the most. They’ll read it cover to cover and memorize the verses so well, they’ll be able to repeat them word for word in one of those church gossip gatherings. Then those who hear about it and are repulsed by the very idea of a gay Bible will buy their own copy, take the trouble to read it and then burn it. Do people still burn bibles?

Sigh…, humanity.  I can just picture “mainstream churches” around the world coming together to make bible bonfires . Perhaps they’ll be led by the Pope. And while they do that, Pink Cross Publishing will be laughing all the way to the gay bank. Set to be released with this gay bible is a companion workbook for children to use in Sunday school.

Please note:  Pink Cross already published a gay-friendly version of the Koran. With input from newly defrocked priests, a Catholic version of the gay-friendly Bible will be published by end of the year.

Which begs another question:

In the gay bible that's set to go on sale, Judas and Satan are straight. How do you feel about your sexual preference?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Spinster Profile – Sadie Hawkins

Sadie Hawkins was a fictional character from Al Capp’s comic strip Li’l Abner. She was the daughter of Hekzebiah Hawkins, and was often referred to as the “homeliest girl in all of them hills” in Dogpatch. As the story would have it, Sadie reached the age of 35 still a spinster. If she grew frantic of waiting for a suitor to come her way, her father was even more frustrated.

In desperation he called together all the unmarried men of Dogpatch and declared it Sadie Hawkins Day. On that day, a foot race would be held with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors, and whoever she “caught”, she would marry.

Some challenges should not be accepted.

It’s not very clear who fell victim to this catch-a-husband marathon, or whether Sadie did eventually get married. In my opinion, it is no different from what Chris Ojigbani does with his prayer ministries. The only difference is that, he saves single women from running, making it possible for potential Slimpossible contestants to find a husband.

Ojigbani Singles’ Prayers at Nyayo Stadium:
Same Difference

Perhaps Sadie did get a a husband after all. As the story goes, the town spinsters (left with little choice) decided that all this running was a good idea. So they made Sadie Hawkins Day a mandatory yearly event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors (nye nye bubu!!). The rules were simple: If a woman caught a bachelor and dragged him, kicking and screaming, across the finish line before sundown – by law he HAD TO marry her! Puts a twist to courtship, doesn’t it?

Capp’s 1937 creation captured the mind of young people in colleges and campuses in the States. Today, Sadie Hawkins Day is celebrated in the West. It was initially celebrated in November but is now commemorated every leap year on February 29th.

The practical basis of Sadie Hawkins is one of simple gender role-reversal where women take the bold initiative to ask a man out on a date. In the 21st century though, I doubt women need a specific day to do that and they wouldn’t wait a leap year too.

It’s funny though that after such “bold initiatives,” women are still not allowed to go down on one knee and propose to a man. I don’t get it. After you’ve done all the chasing and running, why not just finish what you started?

Spinster Reads – June 04/12

Happy Monday!

And before I go any further, let me say this. I have noticed many of you cannot tell the difference between a “hangdown” and “hangover.” Allow me to clarify:-

#KOT for the last time, it is not 'HANGDOWN' it's HANGOVER! Hangdowns are extremely fat, distended vagina lips. Do you have that?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 04, 2012

Back to the blog.

Being the month when we celebrate fathers, it’s only right that we focus on Fatherhood. Fatherhood in relation to Spinsterhood, of course. By the way to understand the changes on this blog, see the blog monthly updates here.

So as you work on surgically removing your hangdown or nursing your hangover, here are 5 links worth checking out:-

http://www.positive-personal-growth.com/brother-doesnt-want-to-get-married.html

http://en.allexperts.com/q/General-Dating-Questions-847/2012/5/parents-want-married-traveling.htm

http://thesearchforwisdom.blogspot.com/2007/12/modern-spinster.html

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6563961-declaring-spinsterhood

BONUS READ ( Spinster Letters )

My parents see me as a failure because I’ve never married and I’m a 41 year old virgin. I didn’t plan on my life turning out this way. It’s my choice to not marry. I rather not marry anyone if I have to give up all the things I find important. Twice I was asked to get married but both of them wanted me to move away from ailing parents and a business I worked very hard to start. My parents have a son who have a family to take care of so I can’t go running off leaving my parents to fend for themselves. One man told me that’s why I’m a old maid because I didn’t want to live away from my parents. Both men only wanted me as their wives to take care of their children from other relationships. I don’t mind children but they take up alot of time, my time if the men had their way. I know to other people I’m an old maid but to me I’m a successful business women. Successful because I don’t mind being happy by myself, I don’t mind working for what I want. I guess deep down I don’t want a husband because I’ve turned two men away and don’t regret it. I’m having the best time in my life. I know what it means to be in my prime. - Doris 41, owner of dog grooming shop. 

Preacher daughters weren’t supposed to be spinsters so I can relate to those women in the book Leather Spinsters whose families were embarassed by them. My father a baptist minister in Louisiana excludes me from certain functions because he could no longer make up any excuses on my behalf on why I don’t have a husband at my age. Deep down I think he thinks I’m gay which I’m not. 

Now he sees me as a used up 45 year old menopausal woman who will need her family to take care of her in her old age. I don’t think my father will ever see me any different than that description. Of all of my accomplishments he will never see me as anything else but an unwanted woman.I’m an accountant with an office of 20 employees, president of a local business women association, volunteer accountant for two non-profit organizations, and a adoptive mother of three. And yet my father can’t see my contributions to society he can only see that I didn’t get married.

I don’t understand how a entire community of people can focus so narrowly on life and what it may mean to them. A woman can be all that she want to be without being someone’s wife. I’m used to my father’s rejection of my choosing to live without a husband but he isn’t. He’s from the old school that says God made women for specific purposes, wifely duties and motherhood are those purposes. I don’t buy that and didn’t buy it as a stubborn child and I won’t perpetuate that myth to my children.

I had to learn to live without family (blood) support and acknowledgement for so long it don’t hurt anymore. So when I hear women cry about feeling alone I can relate, I use to feel alone until I discovered that there were other leather spinsters. Now I have another family that accepts me and my adoptive children with real love. I’m thankful for God bringing these women into my life at a time when I really needed them. Gloria 45, Accountant.

Leather Spinsters Newsletter Volume No. 1 Issue No. 4 January 99 – http://leatherspinsters.com/january99.html

Marriage over Motherhood

This Sunday we celebrate our mamas their mamas and their mama’s mama. That means we must celebrate our first mama – Eve. She who out of boredom (not hunger), munched on the forbidden fruit, making sure that for women to be called mama, they must give birth in pain, sweat, blood and tears. WE LOVE YOU EVE!!

But this being the spinster’s blog, I wish to reflect on some interesting aspects of motherhood vis a vis marriage. Allow me to share a story.

Some years ago, my mother hired the services of a house help. She was a good lady, hard working and respectful. We got along just well and whenever I was home, we would strike up a conversation. It was during one of those conversations that I learned she had a daughter from a previous relationship.

See, I always knew she had two sons since she would sometimes come with them to work. But then she revealed she had a 7 year old daughter who lived upcountry with her grandmother. I asked our help why she didn’t talk much about her daughter and why she couldn’t bring her to Nairobi so they can live together. But she said she couldn’t. Apparently, when she came to Nairobi and met her current husband (the father of the two boys), she never told him that she had a daughter. She figured that if she told him, he would leave her and she would never get married (she always wanted to get married.) So she sacrificed a normal relationship with her daughter to become.., a wife.., and a mother to a different set of children.

I am sure she isn’t the only one. You may have heard of women who have done the the same thing. Mothers who chose marriage over their own children. Mothers who hide their own flesh and blood to be recognized by society as wives. And the relationship these women have with their children is kept alive by a phone call and an M-PESA transaction.

Which takes me back to the question this blog seeks to answer. How important is marriage? How big a deal is it that children should become victims of a unholy union rather than the fruits of it? Our house help may justify that it was the only way to give her daughter “a better life”. But how is she different from that female CEO who spends her life in the office,  has little time for her children, working hard to give them “a better life”?

I know there’s nothing like a perfect mother. I just often think that motherhood is best practiced in close proximity to the child, especially in the child’s younger years. Many women say there’s nothing more fulfilling in this world than being a mother. But beyond the cliche the reality seems to be different.

So pray do tell, which one ranks higher on the scale – marriage or motherhood?

NB: If you’re a fan of my poor attempt at poetry, look out for a Mother’s Day Special tomorrow. I promise, it will be as pathetic as the last.

ION: You can look forward to a similar post in June titled “So You Want to Celebrate Father’s Day?”

Happy 1st Anniversary!

It’s my blog’s birthday!

Belated actually. She turned one on Sunday and I totally forgot about it. I guess if I was a guy, I’d make a bad husband too. But let me get straight to the speech.

It’s been awesome really. And as with all undertakings in my life, I’ve learned more than I have shared. But isn’t that the point? Because really, who says I am an authority in the subject of spinsterhood?

When you think about it, it’s your contributions and comments that make the blog what it is. That continuous discourse (and fights) we have are the very life of this blog. And even those who read and walk away to ponder, share, retweet my links or simply like the posts have been a continuous encouragement. To those who go further to reblog my posts or mention me in their various blogs, I’m certainly humbled.

It isn’t easy juggling this blog, another and an 8 to 5 (to sometimes midnight ) job that requires me to write 14.5 times more. There are days I ask myself, what was I thinking starting SS? And at that very moment when I go silent and concentrate on my day job at @nyakeruw shouts from the TL “Blog Woman. BLOG!!” Another source of encouragement.

It’s never about a lack of content. There’s always content no matter the subject. The task sometimes has been how to be original, rational (.., and funny) about such a sensitive subject as marriage and spinsterhood (without any experience in either). My drafts are good evidence of this conflict. If any of you bloggers out there have more drafts than published posts then you know what I mean.

Moving forward, and taking all these experiences in mind there are a number of changes that I’ll introduce in due time. Nothing fancy, but certainly provocative.

For now though.., raise your glasses with me!