Here’s What to Call Your Sex Organ

If I had to go back to high school, the only topic I would retake is Reproduction. Not because it was every student’s interesting subject, but because my Biology teacher was too shy to utter reproduction jargon.

That’s right. He’d be there at the front dictating notes, and we’d be hunched over our desks trying not to write while shaking (coz of his shy stammering). Somewhere between his annoying stutters, he’d go silent only for us to raise our heads and realize that what he couldn’t utter with his mouth, he had written on the chalk board.

My goodness!!

Never have I felt so cheated. There was my Biology teacher trying to censor a lecture. I mean, I could have learned more about sex just by listening to Snoop. And to think that this guy had children.., how did he even get them? Who allowed him to?

But that’s the problem right there. You pious, holy, Godly, righteous adults decided that the subject of sexual organs can never be discussed unless it is:-

1. In bad light or

2. In sickness

And even then, you cannot refer to the affected parts as they should be. You’ve got silly euphemisms for your  sexual organs and sexual intercourse. It’s okay to do that as a child but above the age of 18, how do you still refer to your sexual organs as nini and huko chini, while sex is anything from hiyo maneno to kufanyana?

Fine, this is Africa and you can blame my shy Biology teacher for this nonsense. Our parents are no better. To this date, my own mother cannot say the word “boyfriend” while looking me straight in the eye. That said, you can already guess that she and I never ever had that all important Sex Talk . Everything I know, I taught myself. And I am not alone.

Which leads me to ask:

How are you going to teach Kenyans how to use a condom, when they cannot even say the words PENIS and VAGINA without blushing?

Aren’t we jumping the gun here? Don’t you hear them calling Maina in the morning? Grown adults fumbling over age-five euphemisms for manhood. “Ei Maina.., hiyo kitu ilikuwa ndogo.” I sit in the mat and think.., your children have never heard the word PENIS (coz you will never even tell them they have one) but here you are referring to it like it’s a mustard seed?

A wise woman once told me that every community has a specific word for the things they believe exist. If it doesn’t exist, then there is no one word that describes it. See, in each of our vernaculars there’s a term for a body part. The eye, the  hand, the stomach, even the buttocks. But ask across the board what is a community’s word for “penis” or vagina”. You’ll get different responses of words that can be interchanged to mean anything from a cow’s tail to a hole in the ground. Worst still, the responses come with a shy, small voice and a childish grin. Don’t even get me started on the hip slung. Pussy can mean so many things.

People say that before you get married you should talk about everything with your future spouse. From finances, to in-laws,  to religion, to children. How do you talk about children when you cannot openly talk about your sexual organs? Or is sex something that just happens? No wonder you’ve got so many kids. No wonder Gonorrhea is back.

What is the harm in saying vagina? It’s Friday, let’s practice

VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!!!

Let’s say penis now:-

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!

That didn’t feel too bad did it?

No, you’re not going to hell. At least not today. But do you know what will probably take you to hell. It’s the way you mention God’s name in vain. Coz in the act you’re all like “Oh God, Oh God, yes, Oh GOOOODDD!!!” but you’re same person who cannot use the word VAGINA in a conversation with your girlfriends.

I think God is going to have a lot of trouble on judgement day. Things will probably play out like this:-

God: Nittzsah, please step forward

Nittzsah: *bows* Yes, my Lord

God: Do you realize that in all your sexual encounters you screamed my name 4, 789, 603 times but only used the word vagina 2 times in your entire lifetime. 2 times, girl!!

Nittzsah: Lord, I can explain

God: Explain?! It was MY name you weren’t supposed to mention in vain, not your sexual organs!

Dear Kenyans, I’m all for teaching people how to use condoms. I’m, even willing to volunteer my energy to the campaign. But until we start having candid conversations about sex and the parts involved, we are wasting our time. Shrouding such vital information in euphemisms only dilutes the message. There is nothing offensive or disgusting about any of your body parts. Your sex organ is not a bad thing. It is as much a part of your body as your head, shoulders, knees and toes. So start referring to it without fear or shame.

Keep practicing: VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA……

Spinster Profile – Sadie Hawkins

Sadie Hawkins was a fictional character from Al Capp’s comic strip Li’l Abner. She was the daughter of Hekzebiah Hawkins, and was often referred to as the “homeliest girl in all of them hills” in Dogpatch. As the story would have it, Sadie reached the age of 35 still a spinster. If she grew frantic of waiting for a suitor to come her way, her father was even more frustrated.

In desperation he called together all the unmarried men of Dogpatch and declared it Sadie Hawkins Day. On that day, a foot race would be held with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors, and whoever she “caught”, she would marry.

Some challenges should not be accepted.

It’s not very clear who fell victim to this catch-a-husband marathon, or whether Sadie did eventually get married. In my opinion, it is no different from what Chris Ojigbani does with his prayer ministries. The only difference is that, he saves single women from running, making it possible for potential Slimpossible contestants to find a husband.

Ojigbani Singles’ Prayers at Nyayo Stadium:
Same Difference

Perhaps Sadie did get a a husband after all. As the story goes, the town spinsters (left with little choice) decided that all this running was a good idea. So they made Sadie Hawkins Day a mandatory yearly event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors (nye nye bubu!!). The rules were simple: If a woman caught a bachelor and dragged him, kicking and screaming, across the finish line before sundown – by law he HAD TO marry her! Puts a twist to courtship, doesn’t it?

Capp’s 1937 creation captured the mind of young people in colleges and campuses in the States. Today, Sadie Hawkins Day is celebrated in the West. It was initially celebrated in November but is now commemorated every leap year on February 29th.

The practical basis of Sadie Hawkins is one of simple gender role-reversal where women take the bold initiative to ask a man out on a date. In the 21st century though, I doubt women need a specific day to do that and they wouldn’t wait a leap year too.

It’s funny though that after such “bold initiatives,” women are still not allowed to go down on one knee and propose to a man. I don’t get it. After you’ve done all the chasing and running, why not just finish what you started?

Spinster Reads – June 04/12

Happy Monday!

And before I go any further, let me say this. I have noticed many of you cannot tell the difference between a “hangdown” and “hangover.” Allow me to clarify:-

#KOT for the last time, it is not 'HANGDOWN' it's HANGOVER! Hangdowns are extremely fat, distended vagina lips. Do you have that?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 04, 2012

Back to the blog.

Being the month when we celebrate fathers, it’s only right that we focus on Fatherhood. Fatherhood in relation to Spinsterhood, of course. By the way to understand the changes on this blog, see the blog monthly updates here.

So as you work on surgically removing your hangdown or nursing your hangover, here are 5 links worth checking out:-

http://www.positive-personal-growth.com/brother-doesnt-want-to-get-married.html

http://en.allexperts.com/q/General-Dating-Questions-847/2012/5/parents-want-married-traveling.htm

http://thesearchforwisdom.blogspot.com/2007/12/modern-spinster.html

http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6563961-declaring-spinsterhood

BONUS READ ( Spinster Letters )

My parents see me as a failure because I’ve never married and I’m a 41 year old virgin. I didn’t plan on my life turning out this way. It’s my choice to not marry. I rather not marry anyone if I have to give up all the things I find important. Twice I was asked to get married but both of them wanted me to move away from ailing parents and a business I worked very hard to start. My parents have a son who have a family to take care of so I can’t go running off leaving my parents to fend for themselves. One man told me that’s why I’m a old maid because I didn’t want to live away from my parents. Both men only wanted me as their wives to take care of their children from other relationships. I don’t mind children but they take up alot of time, my time if the men had their way. I know to other people I’m an old maid but to me I’m a successful business women. Successful because I don’t mind being happy by myself, I don’t mind working for what I want. I guess deep down I don’t want a husband because I’ve turned two men away and don’t regret it. I’m having the best time in my life. I know what it means to be in my prime. - Doris 41, owner of dog grooming shop. 

Preacher daughters weren’t supposed to be spinsters so I can relate to those women in the book Leather Spinsters whose families were embarassed by them. My father a baptist minister in Louisiana excludes me from certain functions because he could no longer make up any excuses on my behalf on why I don’t have a husband at my age. Deep down I think he thinks I’m gay which I’m not. 

Now he sees me as a used up 45 year old menopausal woman who will need her family to take care of her in her old age. I don’t think my father will ever see me any different than that description. Of all of my accomplishments he will never see me as anything else but an unwanted woman.I’m an accountant with an office of 20 employees, president of a local business women association, volunteer accountant for two non-profit organizations, and a adoptive mother of three. And yet my father can’t see my contributions to society he can only see that I didn’t get married.

I don’t understand how a entire community of people can focus so narrowly on life and what it may mean to them. A woman can be all that she want to be without being someone’s wife. I’m used to my father’s rejection of my choosing to live without a husband but he isn’t. He’s from the old school that says God made women for specific purposes, wifely duties and motherhood are those purposes. I don’t buy that and didn’t buy it as a stubborn child and I won’t perpetuate that myth to my children.

I had to learn to live without family (blood) support and acknowledgement for so long it don’t hurt anymore. So when I hear women cry about feeling alone I can relate, I use to feel alone until I discovered that there were other leather spinsters. Now I have another family that accepts me and my adoptive children with real love. I’m thankful for God bringing these women into my life at a time when I really needed them. Gloria 45, Accountant.

Leather Spinsters Newsletter Volume No. 1 Issue No. 4 January 99 – http://leatherspinsters.com/january99.html