Here’s What to Call Your Sex Organ

If I had to go back to high school, the only topic I would retake is Reproduction. Not because it was every student’s interesting subject, but because my Biology teacher was too shy to utter reproduction jargon.

That’s right. He’d be there at the front dictating notes, and we’d be hunched over our desks trying not to write while shaking (coz of his shy stammering). Somewhere between his annoying stutters, he’d go silent only for us to raise our heads and realize that what he couldn’t utter with his mouth, he had written on the chalk board.

My goodness!!

Never have I felt so cheated. There was my Biology teacher trying to censor a lecture. I mean, I could have learned more about sex just by listening to Snoop. And to think that this guy had children.., how did he even get them? Who allowed him to?

But that’s the problem right there. You pious, holy, Godly, righteous adults decided that the subject of sexual organs can never be discussed unless it is:-

1. In bad light or

2. In sickness

And even then, you cannot refer to the affected parts as they should be. You’ve got silly euphemisms for your  sexual organs and sexual intercourse. It’s okay to do that as a child but above the age of 18, how do you still refer to your sexual organs as nini and huko chini, while sex is anything from hiyo maneno to kufanyana?

Fine, this is Africa and you can blame my shy Biology teacher for this nonsense. Our parents are no better. To this date, my own mother cannot say the word “boyfriend” while looking me straight in the eye. That said, you can already guess that she and I never ever had that all important Sex Talk . Everything I know, I taught myself. And I am not alone.

Which leads me to ask:

How are you going to teach Kenyans how to use a condom, when they cannot even say the words PENIS and VAGINA without blushing?

Aren’t we jumping the gun here? Don’t you hear them calling Maina in the morning? Grown adults fumbling over age-five euphemisms for manhood. “Ei Maina.., hiyo kitu ilikuwa ndogo.” I sit in the mat and think.., your children have never heard the word PENIS (coz you will never even tell them they have one) but here you are referring to it like it’s a mustard seed?

A wise woman once told me that every community has a specific word for the things they believe exist. If it doesn’t exist, then there is no one word that describes it. See, in each of our vernaculars there’s a term for a body part. The eye, the  hand, the stomach, even the buttocks. But ask across the board what is a community’s word for “penis” or vagina”. You’ll get different responses of words that can be interchanged to mean anything from a cow’s tail to a hole in the ground. Worst still, the responses come with a shy, small voice and a childish grin. Don’t even get me started on the hip slung. Pussy can mean so many things.

People say that before you get married you should talk about everything with your future spouse. From finances, to in-laws,  to religion, to children. How do you talk about children when you cannot openly talk about your sexual organs? Or is sex something that just happens? No wonder you’ve got so many kids. No wonder Gonorrhea is back.

What is the harm in saying vagina? It’s Friday, let’s practice

VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA!!!

Let’s say penis now:-

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!!

That didn’t feel too bad did it?

No, you’re not going to hell. At least not today. But do you know what will probably take you to hell. It’s the way you mention God’s name in vain. Coz in the act you’re all like “Oh God, Oh God, yes, Oh GOOOODDD!!!” but you’re same person who cannot use the word VAGINA in a conversation with your girlfriends.

I think God is going to have a lot of trouble on judgement day. Things will probably play out like this:-

God: Nittzsah, please step forward

Nittzsah: *bows* Yes, my Lord

God: Do you realize that in all your sexual encounters you screamed my name 4, 789, 603 times but only used the word vagina 2 times in your entire lifetime. 2 times, girl!!

Nittzsah: Lord, I can explain

God: Explain?! It was MY name you weren’t supposed to mention in vain, not your sexual organs!

Dear Kenyans, I’m all for teaching people how to use condoms. I’m, even willing to volunteer my energy to the campaign. But until we start having candid conversations about sex and the parts involved, we are wasting our time. Shrouding such vital information in euphemisms only dilutes the message. There is nothing offensive or disgusting about any of your body parts. Your sex organ is not a bad thing. It is as much a part of your body as your head, shoulders, knees and toes. So start referring to it without fear or shame.

Keep practicing: VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA……

The Gay Bible – Coming Soon To a Church Near You

The news has it that a gay revision of the Bible is set to go on sale soon.

So this gay bible of course does not have your usual bible characters. In the beginning, there’s Adam and Steve (of course). As you read further you’ll meet Samantha and Delilah. Fast forward to the new testament and you’ll meet Josephine and Mary – Jesus parents. All of Jesus disciples are gay and paired up, with the exception of Judas. Both Judas and Satan are straight, which begs the question:

If in the gay bible Satan is straight.., does it mean straight people are evil or that Satan is "normal"?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Though I’m not gay, I’m convinced this Bible will be a bestseller. You know why? Because controversy sells. And those very holy, devoted Christians will be the ones who’ll buy this Bible the most. They’ll read it cover to cover and memorize the verses so well, they’ll be able to repeat them word for word in one of those church gossip gatherings. Then those who hear about it and are repulsed by the very idea of a gay Bible will buy their own copy, take the trouble to read it and then burn it. Do people still burn bibles?

Sigh…, humanity.  I can just picture “mainstream churches” around the world coming together to make bible bonfires . Perhaps they’ll be led by the Pope. And while they do that, Pink Cross Publishing will be laughing all the way to the gay bank. Set to be released with this gay bible is a companion workbook for children to use in Sunday school.

Please note:  Pink Cross already published a gay-friendly version of the Koran. With input from newly defrocked priests, a Catholic version of the gay-friendly Bible will be published by end of the year.

Which begs another question:

In the gay bible that's set to go on sale, Judas and Satan are straight. How do you feel about your sexual preference?—
  (@Nittzsah) June 07, 2012

Would You Get Married To ‘Honour Your Father and Mother’?

The very concept of honouring your father and mother cannot be overemphasized. It’s not only one of the 10 commandments, it’s highlighted in another 10 books in the Bible. Both in the old and new testaments, the instruction is the same. And if you thought you could jump ship, the Quran is also clear on honouring the folks.

In the Bible, the commandment comes with a subtle death threat at the end.

Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise, so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth” – Exodus 20:12

Honour.

What does it mean to honour your parents?

It may seem pretty straight forward. Apparently it isn’t. So much so that there are pointers on ehow.com of how best to go about the whole affair. But that shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. Because every time you attempt to do something that your parents may not necessarily agree with, they whip out the honour card and hand you a seat.

Yet, there are times when you cannot say yes to ALL of your parents’ wishes. Like when they kept telling you to work at becoming a doctor, and all you ever wanted to be in life is a DJ. So you haggled and fought. They refused to contribute to your DJing classes and attempted to fly you out to the States so you can think clearly, away from your thug friends from the hood. And when you moved out (to protect your DJing equipment), they prophesied doom over your future and your children’s future. Today, you’re a goddamn fine DJ, doing well for yourself and your family.

Or maybe you’re that girl who was set to be married off at the age of 13 to some 60yr old walrus in your village. Your father had made all the arrangements, received bride price and willingly sold you off to a wrinkled old fella with unshaven, grey pubic hair. But you did the dishonourable thing and sneaked off in the dead of night to a rescue center, pitting your parents and would-be husband in a deadly fight.

Perhaps every spinster wonders, like I do, whether by CHOOSING not to get married, they dishonour their parents. There are parents who get really worried when their daughters (and sons) do not getting married. Your parents wonder what they didn’t do right. What could possibly be wrong with you? Why can’t you find a suitor?

As time goes by and seasons pass, you parents get even more weary and are somewhat ashamed of you. Their frustration and blood pressure rise when their friends (whose daughters are already married) hint to the fact you may be cursed. So they start seeking divine intervention for you to get a spouse, while you pray that their blood pressure doesn’t get worse.

Honour.

Would you get married just to honour your father and mother?