Spinster Profile – Sadie Hawkins

Sadie Hawkins was a fictional character from Al Capp’s comic strip Li’l Abner. She was the daughter of Hekzebiah Hawkins, and was often referred to as the “homeliest girl in all of them hills” in Dogpatch. As the story would have it, Sadie reached the age of 35 still a spinster. If she grew frantic of waiting for a suitor to come her way, her father was even more frustrated.

In desperation he called together all the unmarried men of Dogpatch and declared it Sadie Hawkins Day. On that day, a foot race would be held with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors, and whoever she “caught”, she would marry.

Some challenges should not be accepted.

It’s not very clear who fell victim to this catch-a-husband marathon, or whether Sadie did eventually get married. In my opinion, it is no different from what Chris Ojigbani does with his prayer ministries. The only difference is that, he saves single women from running, making it possible for potential Slimpossible contestants to find a husband.

Ojigbani Singles’ Prayers at Nyayo Stadium:
Same Difference

Perhaps Sadie did get a a husband after all. As the story goes, the town spinsters (left with little choice) decided that all this running was a good idea. So they made Sadie Hawkins Day a mandatory yearly event, much to the chagrin of Dogpatch bachelors (nye nye bubu!!). The rules were simple: If a woman caught a bachelor and dragged him, kicking and screaming, across the finish line before sundown – by law he HAD TO marry her! Puts a twist to courtship, doesn’t it?

Capp’s 1937 creation captured the mind of young people in colleges and campuses in the States. Today, Sadie Hawkins Day is celebrated in the West. It was initially celebrated in November but is now commemorated every leap year on February 29th.

The practical basis of Sadie Hawkins is one of simple gender role-reversal where women take the bold initiative to ask a man out on a date. In the 21st century though, I doubt women need a specific day to do that and they wouldn’t wait a leap year too.

It’s funny though that after such “bold initiatives,” women are still not allowed to go down on one knee and propose to a man. I don’t get it. After you’ve done all the chasing and running, why not just finish what you started?

The Marriage Messiah Cometh

Move over! Make way! Push somebody!

Unwrap that head dress and lay your kangas on the ground!

The hour cometh  and so does the man, from the West of Africa, riding on an airliner.

Put on a fresh weave Kenyan women! For that rare opportunity to hear from the marriage messiah. As you bow down in worship, you might just get a chance to clean his feet with your fake hair and the sweat of your brow.

For public demand is a formidable force.

It doesn’t just get you reruns of your favorite soap on Citizen TV, it also makes Pastor Chris Ojigbani an annual feature.

And though his last prophecy of  five men did not even give you a midget, it wasn’t his fault. You just didn’t believe as hard as you should have. But this time round, you’re willing to believe with all you’ve got.

Cleanse yourself woman! That the good pastor may find you absolved of all sin. Whether you went to a witch doctor or continue to have pre-marital sex, or you’ve been too much of a chips funga and a mpango wa kando. The messiah must find you ready – single and searching.

Oh ye of little esteem and much self pity! This is your day of salvation! All your single-hood suffering ends on the 17th. It won’t be long before the man of your dreams takes you under his roof and rides with you into your fast approaching sunset years.

From his pulpit in Nigeria, Pastor Ojigbani has seen your tears roll down your pillow as you lie in your cold bed. He’s heard your ceaseless nkts! And observed with concern, the big potato that forms in your throat every time one of your girlfriends introduces you to their fiance.

No woman, no cry!

Hurry you broken heart, tired heeled feet, cursed misconceptions and multi-coloured face to the marriage conference. Hope awaits you there. Find your purpose for living , because indeed, nothing can give you more happiness and a reason for living than a husband.

Ignore those women complaining on Classic 105. It’s true. They don’t know how to treat their husbands. If you were just given their men, you’d do better. He’d be faithful to you. He’d come home early. He’d make love to you like  he’d play a Spanish Guitar.

Those bad women, they don’t know to treat a man. But you do. All that’s missing is the man. And Ojigbani will tell you how to get one coz you already know how to keep him.

For a more direct script of what I’m trying to say, kindly read here what my boy and fellow blogger wrote last year.

And if that still doesn’t help you, then only three things can: A rope, a cliff or a balcony.

Go figure.