The flat I live in is comprised of about 24 one-bedroom houses. Allow me to profile the residents: Late 20s to early 30s, not yet married, no kids, employed, salaried, some jav, some own a car – mostly Vitz’s and Premios. Some are in stable relationships, some just funga what they find up in Galileo, Infinity, Rafikiz or Psys. Let’s call them what I like to call them – Young Money.
The thing with folks like these is that they tend to get laid.., a lot. So much so, that there is usually a chorus of at least two to three moans at odd and even hours (depending on how open minded you are).
Now there’s this one chic who’s particularly loud. She stands out from the rest for various reasons. One, chica and her man get up at exactly 4am to do it, arousing (from the word rise, as in wake up.., as in.., kuam.., oh never mind) half the flat. Two, her bed knocks on the wall like some very obvious Morse Code. Three, she often sounds like she’s choking (kinky!) and just when you think she probably needs some rescuing, she orgasms in a loud frenzy. Four, the sex lasts on average one and a half hours (dang, that dude must be good!!). Five (and this is not any of chica’s fault), there’s another chic that get’s up at around the same time to pray, also very loudly. One of those prayer warriors, that heave and ho and weep and speak in tongues ♫like the day of Pentecost♫ . It’s relevant I mention this because, both chics howl “Oh God! Oh God!” in their different intense moments. God must be one confused guy at such times.
I find it all very comical. I’m not one to complain. Nope. Not even when I’m going through a dry spell and jealousy threatens to get the best of me. But you know what the good book says – Love your neighbour as you love yourself. For love is patient and kind. It does not envy, and if I speak in tongues and if I have no love, I’d be like a noisy… Nah, I was just stunting my Sunday School interpretation of the word. If I keep going like this, I might become other chica’s prayer partner. #Focused.
Now, I’m meant to understand (from watching the v-day edition of The Doctors on Mnet Series) that men prefer to have sex in the morning than at any other time of day or night. Which makes sense since it’s the time when a man’s phallus is at it’s prime, say rather, Greenwhich 0° 0′ 0″, appropriately defined as the starting point of every time zone in the World. Basically, no other activity of the day can commence until, a man gets what his naturally occurring boner demands. This is in contrast to many women’s preference to have sex at night, before they turn over and sleep.
You can’t do anything to change this Mars-Venus imbalance. Which is why I insist that God has a wi, wi,.., weird sense of humor. For crying out loud, why did he have to give dudes a boner in the cocks (pun alert) and give women the mojo-jojos at sunset? Doesn’t He know there’s a reason they named it the morning-after pill. Duh!
Just look at this work-play difference:
A woman wakes up and throws in her energy to prepping the kids for school, her husband for work and then herself. Works all day, goes back home in the evening – dinner, dishes, shower, bed and final activity- sex. Very tired sex, before drifting off.
A man wakes up, and immediately throws his energy into sex (some for one and a half hours). Shower, off to work, work, home, shower, TV, doze off while flipping channels, dinner,bed, lazy 10min for-the-sake-of-wifey tired sex, then sleep.
I’ll tell you for free. I’m not a morning person. Waking up in the morning, even to go to work is a task. I snooze my alarm for 30minutes. I grope my way to the light switch, flick it on, then open my right eye, go back to my bed, sit on it and wait for my brain to restart, much like Windows. Only when I stand up to make my bed and pick something from my wardrobe to wear do I open my other eye. I’m fully awake when I start ironing and it’s only because the iron box can easily slip from my weak grip and fall flat on my foot. This rising process takes anything between 20 to 30min.
If I was married, my husband would probably sue me for denying him his conjugal rights in the morning. Dude would probably end up getting a mpango that does mornings, Jimmy Gathu notwithstanding. Coz honestly speaking, it’d take me an hour or more to respond to his finger/phallus poking my back. And even if he was good in bed, by the 2nd year of the marriage, his skills wouldn’t be motivation enough to open my third eye.