The day I posted “Kindly Finance Your Stupid Wedding” I never ever imagined that some bank would actually adopt the idea of giving loans to finance weddings.
But 2 years later, here we are!
(Thank you CousCous for this revelation!)
So here’s the thing, if you have your little wedding committee going, and they don’t seem like very cheerful givers, worry no more. Here’s a bank that can get your financial “EMERGENCY” sorted.., just like that!
And if you’re planning a goat eating ceremony (without the goat – yeah we know it’s a fundraiser) spare the caprine animal a part in your false advertising. Neither should you use some funds from your wedding committee to buy handkerchiefs, which you later sell to your friends and family for as much as 5ooshs. Because really, aren’t you the same couple that complains about inflation? It bites us just as much.
So we who love you, humbly ask that you take this loan offer and run with it. Not only is it money guaranteed, it’s money that will go straight into your beautiful joint account in a whooping 3 days!
And look at those interest rates! The best I’ve seen lately. Business people are not even entitled to such awesome rates. Ah.., but of course, it’s a personal loan.., for personal affairs. And how else could you possibly describe a marriage if not as a personal matter?
What’s the security?
I’ve said this before – if you’re vowing before God and other witnesses that you’re going to be together for the rest of your lives, through sickness and health, poverty and wealth till death do you part, how will you not repay this loan? And just like taking a loan to start a business, you will do anything and everything to ensure that marriage works. Separation, divorce or taking time off will not be an option.
Should you go separate ways, the bank will send auctioneers to take away all the gifts we lovingly showered you with on your wedding day, together with all the stuff you bought during the happier years of your marriage.
Honestly, what more do you need to cement your marriage other than this wedding loan?
Go on folks, take that loan!
Disclaimer: No I don’t work for Standard Chartered. But I’d sell this loan on their behalf and add one of my kidneys to the package, if only to save some miserable Kenyan from a wedding committee.